Seven Days in Utopia (2011)

It’s movies like this that make me want to punch a hole in a wall and also burn a couple hundred feet of used film to get rid of all the filth that is Seven Days in Utopia. Based off of the novel God’s Sacred Journey: Seven Days at the Links of Utopia, Seven Days in Utopia is a movie with surprisingly little to do with God, little to do with golf, and little to do with anything. It’s movies like this that make me perfectly angry, because it stars Robert Duvall and Melissa Leo, both Oscar-winning actors. Robert Duvall made movies like The Godfather, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Apocalypse Now. Now he makes movies like Seven Days in Utopia. Starring Lucas Black and Robert Duvall (and Melissa Leo is in the movie doing nothing for 5 minutes-God, why?), this “movie” is the tale of a punk golfer named Luke Chisolm (Black), who, after snapping one of his golf clubs, becomes the most hated person in golf, and his father basically disowns him, and the clip of him “freaking out” is played repeatedly on the golf channel. The movie-makers wouldn’t have anything actually bad play out, because we want a truly likable character apparently, because all these characters are so peachy-clean and perfect. Nobody says a single “choice word” (I have a story behind that saying, I have to tell it to you sometime), nobody does anything bad, even as kind of terrible things happen. Lots of bad things happen to these characters (not bad enough, but still), and they’re all still pitch-perfect. The thing that I hate so much about this movie is that they are all perfect people. This movie exists in a world where everything is fine, and everything is perfect, and nothing at all goes wrong. This movie is all a big lie. And I don’t say that as a cynic, I say that as a rational human being. This movie is all a big lie. Wait! I have to finish the story synopsis. Pretend we’re back a couple sentences-And after he gets in a car accident as he tries to dodge a cow in the middle of the road (what?), he ends up stuck in Utopia for seven days as he gets his car fixed (why that much? I don’t think the hillbillies of this town even have cars, so what would the wait be for them to fix something up that a talented human being can do with three hours? I mean-5-year-old Tony Stark did it, why couldn’t someone else do it? But never mind. So, after that, a man (Robert Duvall) tries to help Luke get better at golf and also bring God into his game. Now back to my rant. This movie exists in a perfect world where all the bad people do are freak out on a golf tournament and have their kids play golf on one Sunday instead of go to church. This movie is a lie on top of a lie on top of a lie, and anybody who thinks that people, situations, life, or anything is this pitch-perfect is either really ignorant or really stupid. And I say this here. I’m not talking to anyone in general, just saying as a rule-if you like this movie, you’re an idiot. Or too young to know any better.
0/10