Tower Heist (2011)

The main problem that I have with Tower Heist goes back to the basic fundamentals of filmmaking-that all stories have a shorter exposition, a rising action that gets you pumped for the climax, and then the climax of the film, which is supposed to be the highlight of the film. But the highlight of the film never really seems to come. The actual robbery, which is about 20 minutes of the 100 minute film, while is fun to watch, just lacks the excitement or jokes it needs to float the film. The entire film is just being bogged down by the fact that it’s not that funny, which makes me sad. Because I love seeing a return to form for Eddie Murphy, making funny movies. And I also love Ben Stiller, and he is such a funny guy, but here he’s just not funny. And that is a bad thing.

Starring Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy, Tower Heist is almost an amateur-version of Soderbergh’s Ocean’s Eleven, about Josh Kovacs (Stiller), a building manager who manages The Tower, a fancy apartment complex owned by Arthur Shaw (Alan Alda), who ends up taking the money of everybody working in the Tower who let him invest with a Ponzi-style scheme. So, Josh, concierge Charlie (Casey Affleck), evicted tenant/bankrupt investor Mr. Fitzhugh (Matthew Broderick), bellhop Enrique (Michael Pena), maid Odessa (Gabourey Sidibe), and low-rent criminal Slide (Murphy), all team up to try to rob Shaw of the $20 million dollars he has hidden in his penthouse apartment. And watching the robbery is fun and kind of funny when it gets back down to it, but we’re treated to a full exposition that takes about an hour, and then just more filler for thirty minutes. And I wouldn’t really mind the filler if it was funny, but the big problem with this movie is that it’s just not that funny. The jokes needed to be much more clever, the characters more realistic and loose, and the direction needs to pull back a little bit. Brett Ratner, the guy who directed Rush Hour and its less-than-perfect sequels (not that Rush Hour is perfect), and got fired from producing the Academy Awards and subsequently had Eddie Murphy quit the awards because of his “loyalty” to the director.

In short, Tower Heist is a film that should be a whole lot better. It should be a lot of fun, it should be really funny, but it’s really just not. I’m just not having a lot of fun watching it. I love heist films, and I love comedies. So when you’ve made a heist comedy starring Ben Stiller and it feels like a chore, something went wrong here.
6/10

The Big Year (2011)

I really had a lot more fun watching this than I thought I would. Starring Steve Martin makes a hit, Owen Wilson is a hit-or-miss, and Jack Black is usually a miss, so I had no idea how to perceive the widely under-seen bird-watching comedy The Big Year. And especially with it getting as mixed reviews as it did, actually leaning towards the negative, I got scared that the sweet little comedy that I noticed when nobody else did was just going to be another anger-inducing studio rehash of a better comedy (because no matter what anybody says, the worst kind of bad movie is a bad comedy, because you can’t laugh at it, you just scream in agony. My fingers are trembling right now thinking of how much my voice hurt after watching Something Borrowed), and I was actually very close to being able to see this movie in theaters. Close but no cigar. I was unable to catch the comedy in theaters, so I had to watch it on my own poor little self on my 2.5-inch-wide iPhone. And when a movie makes me laugh and is engrossing on 2.5 inches, that is a funny movie.

Based off of the novel of the same name, The Big Year follows bird-enthusiasts Stu (Steve Martin), Brad (Jack Black), and Kenny (Owen Wilson), as they all try to (in Stu’s and Brad’s cases) see the most birds in North America in one year, or (in Kenny Bostick’s case) beat his own record or just hold onto it so that he can still be king. Stu is a happily married man on the edge of retirement, looking back at all the things he wanted to do, so he sets out to do a ‘big year’, which is the challenge where one person tries to see the most birds in North America in one year. Brad still lives with his parents, is divorced, and has no direction in his life than his birds, so he decides to do the same thing so he can prove to himself his worth. Kenny is the arrogant who-knows-how-many-times-married king of the birds, a wealthy and snobby individual who will never let go of his record, so, despite the objections of his wife (who has really good grounds for saying these things, by the way), he leaves to beat his own record, a record that trashed one of his marriages before. The thing about this film is that we are supposed to root for everybody but Kenny, and the film does a good job of it. We root for Stu, we root for Brad, we even root for the smaller characters, including Ellie (the always fabulous Rashida Jones), a potential romantic interest for Stu.

This is a rare thing-a film with good honest people that doesn’t beat you over the head with that fact. This entire movie just lives on the spirit of good spirit, and is such a wonderful film to watch. It is a very funny, well-written, well-acted piece of sweet filmmaking, and is a movie you could watch with your mom. There is some slight profanity (I usually don’t mention stuff like that because I don’t think the actual inappropriate content of a film is important to if someone should see it), but other than that, this is just a sweet family film that proves no harm to anybody who would see it, and if somebody does, they will be brought to a sweet, simple, and pretty clever movie, one that I recommend in the highest degree.
8.5/10

One Day (2011)

Even with my extremely recent change of making my reviews structured, paragraphed, and longer, I can tell you right now that One Day will not be a long review, because it doesn’t need to be. Because even though I did enjoy watching this past-present romance, it just is a film that doesn’t deserve a lot of attention. It just passed under people’s radars, which is just something that happens to lesser movies. I actually do remember seeing one poster inside of a bathroom at a theater, but that’s it. Nobody thought anything of it, nobody paid attention. One Day is the underdog story that doesn’t end in joy and happiness, and I’m not even talking about the events of the film. Now let’s look at the romance that time forgot.

Based off of the novel of the same name, published in 2009 and written by David Nicholls, One Day tells the story of Emma Morley (Anne Hathaway), a recently graduated student in 1988 where she meets Dexter (Jim Sturgess), a fellow graduate. After a bumbling and poorly-crafted attempt at a one-night-stand, they decide to become close friends, and over the years, every June 15th, the day they met, they always meet up. A good portion of this movie takes place on a June 15th anytime from 1988 to 2011, as we see their relationship alter and change and move on from its basic platonic nature, because, if you look at the poster for this film, let alone the trailer, it’s not a spoiler to say that this is a film about these two people who love each other, despite the fact that Dex is a self-centered snob and Emma is very much a pain in the neck, to put it lightly. But despite that, I still felt something for this film.

I don’t know why I don’t hate One Day, it seems to have all the elements of a bad film-bad direction, shaky acting, at times really unbelievable writing, and at those times I did not care for it. But there were moments in the film, where watching it, I did feel something. It all clicked and I enjoyed watching these two people realize their feelings for one-another. And watching the film, it has a major gut-punch ending. And even though I had it spoiled for me when it first was released in theaters (thanks, internet forums), I still felt something at that end. And the movie has Patricia Clarkson in it, who is amazing. So I highly suggest watching this movie for Patricia Clarkson being in it for ten minutes, and some chick named Anna Hathaway too, or something.
7/10

Twilight: Breaking Dawn-Part 1

I’m no stranger to the Twilight series, I’m ashamed to admit. I’m also ashamed to admit that these movies keep making more and more money every second of every day, and watching The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1, I think I know why-teenage girls (and their creepy mothers) do not recognize how a romance actually works, so they have to flock to these rehashed studio trash. I honestly believe that anybody who enjoyed a Twilight film, specifically New Moon or Breaking Dawn-Part 1 (the first one isn’t terrible, and I hear the third one isn’t either), needs to be put to repeated viewings of (500) Days of Summer and the original Dracula over and over again until they recognize both romance and vampires for their true form (and it also helps if they stop watching The CW-The Vampire Diaries is just as much to blame). I know I sound hypocritical here, but I didn’t watch this movie to enjoy it, I watched it to prevent you from having to.

Based off of the final book in Stephanie Meyer’s quadrilogy, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1 again stars the emotionless Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a human, as she is in the process of marrying Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a vampire, much to the disdain of Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), a werewolf. Now, with a human, a vampire, and a werewolf, this movie should have been more interesting, right? NOPE! Even with these fantastical creatures, we’re stuck with a bogged down romance that lasts too long and is just to dang dull. Because no matter what angle you take on it (personally, I hate this abomination, but recently I’ve been trying to be more professional in my reviews), this movie is just boring. People walk around for hours, and do nothing.

All the events of this film could be condensed to a (still boring, mind you) twenty-minute period, and Breaking Dawn could just be one glob of terrible instead of two. Now, some people could have the argument “but Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was two parts, and the first part was slow, so why bag on Twilight? (I’m doing this in a very annoying voice in my head)” Because, dumb little teenager (wow, we’re getting into real hypocrisy here), the seventh Harry Potter book was over 700 brilliant pages long, and from what little I know, Breaking Dawn has about 400 empty ones. Now, I could go into how lame the direction is, how bad the acting is, or how laughable the dialogue is, but instead of ranting on and on, but let me just say these few things-1. This is not the worst movie. Still, New Moon is, but this is definitely second. 2. Nobody learned a thing making these movies, everything is just as bad as before. 3. When the two lines Anna Kendrick say are the few moments of joy I have watching your movie, you’ve messed up. 4. But, because this is part 1 of the last book, that means ONLY ONE MORE TWILIGHT FILM! WOO! As Monty Python once said-“Always look on the bright side of life!”
2/10

Fast Five (2011)

I am more than happy to say that Fast Five is my first introduction to the Fast and Furious films. A couple years back, me and my friends rented the original The Fast and the Furious. I remember the DVD cover and getting some of the best sleep a 9-year-old me ever got. So, fully rested, and ready to watch trash, I sat down to watch Fast Five, and I actually had a good time. I knew that this was the first film in the series with positive reviews, but I was still cynical. If there are ever to extremely overrated genres in popcorn cinema, it would be car films and dance films. Despite a filmmaking value, I just do not understand the appeal of those films. It may be because I’m someone who hides behind a computer, a television, and gallons of root beer (usually at the same time) instead of going out and illegally dancing/racing cars. But anyway, what’s great about Fast Five is that it ISN’T a car movie, it’s a heist film. And God knows I love heist films. Because I am fascinated by organized crime. Now let’s get into Fast Five. The fifth film in the Fast and Furious series of films, this one once again stars Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto, who now is in Rio with his pal Brian O’Conner (annoying surfer and inventor of the term ‘bra’ as in a friend, Paul Walker) and sister Mia Toretto (Jordana Brewster), who are at odds with crime boss Hernan Reyes, as they decide to steal millions of dollars from him in vengeance, which in turn forces them to pair up with cop Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), in an awesome heist which involves whole bunches of awesome. As for the movie itself, it is actually filled with some really snappy dialogue, some really wonderful direction, and acting that actually isn’t that bad, because Fast Five is actually a well-made film, and I had a blast watching it. It’s by no means a perfect film, and is one that only warrants maybe one more viewing, but I had a lot of fun watching it.
7.5/10

Seven Days in Utopia (2011)

It’s movies like this that make me want to punch a hole in a wall and also burn a couple hundred feet of used film to get rid of all the filth that is Seven Days in Utopia. Based off of the novel God’s Sacred Journey: Seven Days at the Links of Utopia, Seven Days in Utopia is a movie with surprisingly little to do with God, little to do with golf, and little to do with anything. It’s movies like this that make me perfectly angry, because it stars Robert Duvall and Melissa Leo, both Oscar-winning actors. Robert Duvall made movies like The Godfather, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Apocalypse Now. Now he makes movies like Seven Days in Utopia. Starring Lucas Black and Robert Duvall (and Melissa Leo is in the movie doing nothing for 5 minutes-God, why?), this “movie” is the tale of a punk golfer named Luke Chisolm (Black), who, after snapping one of his golf clubs, becomes the most hated person in golf, and his father basically disowns him, and the clip of him “freaking out” is played repeatedly on the golf channel. The movie-makers wouldn’t have anything actually bad play out, because we want a truly likable character apparently, because all these characters are so peachy-clean and perfect. Nobody says a single “choice word” (I have a story behind that saying, I have to tell it to you sometime), nobody does anything bad, even as kind of terrible things happen. Lots of bad things happen to these characters (not bad enough, but still), and they’re all still pitch-perfect. The thing that I hate so much about this movie is that they are all perfect people. This movie exists in a world where everything is fine, and everything is perfect, and nothing at all goes wrong. This movie is all a big lie. And I don’t say that as a cynic, I say that as a rational human being. This movie is all a big lie. Wait! I have to finish the story synopsis. Pretend we’re back a couple sentences-And after he gets in a car accident as he tries to dodge a cow in the middle of the road (what?), he ends up stuck in Utopia for seven days as he gets his car fixed (why that much? I don’t think the hillbillies of this town even have cars, so what would the wait be for them to fix something up that a talented human being can do with three hours? I mean-5-year-old Tony Stark did it, why couldn’t someone else do it? But never mind. So, after that, a man (Robert Duvall) tries to help Luke get better at golf and also bring God into his game. Now back to my rant. This movie exists in a perfect world where all the bad people do are freak out on a golf tournament and have their kids play golf on one Sunday instead of go to church. This movie is a lie on top of a lie on top of a lie, and anybody who thinks that people, situations, life, or anything is this pitch-perfect is either really ignorant or really stupid. And I say this here. I’m not talking to anyone in general, just saying as a rule-if you like this movie, you’re an idiot. Or too young to know any better.
0/10

Take Shelter (2011)

The best thing about Take Shelter, for me, is that nobody knows about it. Very few people heard about the Michael Shannon thriller when its release date was upcoming, and as soon as it was released, the few critics that saw it loved it, but still, nobody knew this little thriller/drama existed. And now, with the release of almost every critic’s ‘Best of 2011’ list, Take Shelter is dominating. And now, with the Oscar snubs being sent out, Drive and Take Shelter are becoming the most popular of those snubbed films. The sophomore film of director Jeff Nichols, Take Shelter stars the absolutely wonderful Michael Shannon as Curtis LaForche, a blue-collar worker who, while struggling to keep his family afloat financially, begins to have haunting dreams and visions of terrible things happening, all relating to a storm with motor oil rain and terrible lightning and thunder. These dreams begin to force him to make extremely irrational decisions, which begin to put a strain on his marriage with his wife Samantha (the wonderful and constantly-appearing Jessica Chastain), his case for his daughter, the deaf Hannah (the actually deaf and wonderfully small Tova Stewart), his job, and his relationship with the community, which, with his family and Curtis himself, begin to suspect his insanity, due to his family’s previous relationship with schizophrenia, and the nature of the dreams. For the most part of this slow, taught, and dreary thriller, the question is whether this is schizophrenia or prophecy. As soon as the answer becomes clear, the movie doesn’t turn into a fast-paced monster, it doesn’t gain speed. It stays as calm, as quiet, as demonic. But-if you watch this movie, you have to watch it to the last thirty or so seconds. Because when you see a single shot in this film, your blood will run cold. Because this isn’t an Insidious-level horror film meant to make your girlfriends fall into your lap, this is a quiet, brilliant, and haunting drama/thriller, with an absolutely perfect performance by Michael Shannon, who, in a just world, would be at least nominated for, if not winning, the Oscar for Best Actor.
9.5/10

Lady in the Water

(NOTE: I do get to spoiling the fate of a few characters in this review, so please proceed with caution or the notion that this review is more entertaining than the actual movie, and I say this in all modesty, something I never do) There are two types of M. Night Shyamalan films-wonderful and terrible. As a director, he has made two great films that I have seen, and a lot of terrible trash. Now, a lot of people don’t hate his third major film, Signs, but I have not seen it yet. The two good films are The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, and the two terrible films I’ve seen are Lady in the Water and The Last Airbender, one of the worst movies of ever. And now, after I have completely summed up the only four M. Night films I have seen, let’s talk about the most recent one. Lady in the Water, based off of a fairy tale M. Night used to tell his kids. Seriously? Even hearing about that the film is based off of an unofficial fairy tale gets my Spider-sense tingling, and that isn’t even the half of it. Starring Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard, Lady in the Water is the tale of a handyman at an apartment complex named Cleveland (Giamatti) who encounters a water Narf named Story (Howard) as she tries to get back to her water world, but she is being hindered by a wolf-like creature who is on a mission to stop her from this mission. There is a lot more complicated stuff to this story, which was actually published as a children’s book that I might read, because the principle and moral of the story aren’t bad, the filmmaking is. The problem with Lady in the Water is that is contains long, tedious, melodic tracking shots, which is something Shyamalan does a lot, something I noticed heavily in Unbreakable, but I am afraid I never got to comment on it during my review for that film. But where in Unbreakable the tracking shots showed the fragile, delicate monotony the characters are in risk of losing, but in Lazy in the Water, the tracking shots are just to show monotony. And monotony is boring! The film’s first live-action shot is that of Paul Giammate cleaning a drain. Who wants to see that? I know I don’t. But besides the fact that this movie shows a man who is completely incompetent in filmmaking, there is a character in here that is a film critic, and, much like in the work of fellow incompetent filmmaker Roland Emmerich, he is portrayed as the most arrogant, pretentious snob since...me! The character shows a pretentious unsociable nut, who, in a scene where he is facing certain death, begins to count the reasons he will live in the story. He is then mauled to death. Now, I don’t know if Shyamalan is trying to be cute or funny with self-referential humor (leave it to the pros like Community, Shyamalan), or if he is being arrogant himself and saying that all film critics are pretentious monsters, and he is giving me the finger, then I give that finger back and say-Shyamalan, you know why we hate you? Because you make crap movies, and then call US stupid. The most redeemable quality about Michael Bay is that he APOLOGIZED for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Spielberg APOLOGIZED for ruining the DVD print of ET: The Extra Terrestrial. You know why we hate George Lucas? Because he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, he just makes them worse, and then he calls us stupid. Be careful Shyamalan, you’re already treading on thin ice as of 2006, so in 2012, I have to say-be careful, you could be the next George Lucas.
3/10

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

When this movie first came out in 1999, I was a year old. I have no recollection of any theater experience of a Star Wars film before seeing my first PG-13 movie, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. But, despite that, I am a huge Star Wars nerd. I have seen all six movies (except for Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, which I think I have only seen once, because it’s really not a good movie at all, the only truly bad Star Wars film) many times, and love most of them very much. Star Wars, re-titled Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, and Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back are the two best, then Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith are both very wonderful and fun films, and then there were two. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, easily my second-least-favorite of the Star Wars films, can be argued to be the single most hated film of all time. Released in May 1999 to waiting crowds of desperate nerds, they all were disappointed with the fact that most of this movie is really, really, boring. Nothing really happens in this film, and when you have a film that even Liam Neeson can’t save, you have a bad film. Starting off the story to tell how the chosen one, Anakin Skywalker, got to where he is in the original trilogy. While on a mission to establish peace to the universe, Jedis Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) come across Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman) and a young Anakin (the terrible, emotionless, and hated Jake Lloyd) as they try to stop the Sith, or the enemy of the Jedi. While the film does sound intresting in concept, a space opera with light saber battles and intergalactic war, the movie is increasingly boring. I nearly found myself going through $7.50 in drinks at the movie theater, getting up to keep from sleep and when I could no longer stand it. The most horrible thing about Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. If any of you hate me ranting (and I know you’re out there), I suggest you run now. Shut your computer and run. It’s ranting time. Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar Binks. The most evil creature on the planet is Jar Jar Binks, the worst creation on the planet. I just figured it’d be easier to have the caps lock button on my computer at this point. GEORGE LUCAS I HOPE YOU ARE HIT BY A BUS! THIS MOVIE WASN’T FOR KIDS, IT’S FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE KIDS WHEN THEY SAW YOUR GOOD MOVIES! THIS EXCUSE FOR CRAP COMIC RELIEF SICKENS ME AND EVERY OTHER SENSIBLE CREATURE ON THE PLANET! THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO EVEN LIKE JAR JAR ARE THE STUPID, THE VERY STUPID, THE NAUSEATINGLY NAÏVE, OR THE VERY VERY YOUNG! YOU SUCK AS A PERSON, AND THIS IS THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO FILMMAKING, A DISGRACE TO HUMANITY, AND A DISGRACE TO HUMAN CONCIOUSNESS! YOU MADE ONE OF THE WORST THINGS EVER, AND THEN BLAME US FOR OVERREACTING? AND THEN YOU QUIT BLOCKBUSTERS? You. Quit. Blockbusters? NO! YOU’RE STUCK WITH THESE HATED FILMS THAT EVERYBODY WILL HATE YOU FOR GEORGE, AND DON’T TRY TO CHICKEN OUT OR BLAME IT ON US. FACE YOUR CREATIONS, AND THEN…I’m gonna be calm now. –then either make good movies or no movies at all. You used to make good movies George. What the heck happened? Seriously. What the heck happened here? Now, the movie does have some good scenes in it. But it’s hyper-long length, it’s boring storyline, it’s lack of respect to the Star Wars universe and fanbase, and Jar Jar, this movie just fails(also, seeing this in theaters for the 3-D version, I have to say-the 3-D in this movie is terrible. It adds nothing, so don’t go for the extra trip even if just for 3-D.It’s not worth it).
5/10

Clueless (1995)

I have said it many times before that I am not akin to watching ‘chick-flicks’, in fact, if they’re well done, I like them a lot. Movies that are made for girls that I love insanely are (500) Days of Summer, Juno, Annie Hall, Crazy Stupid Love, Easy A, Hairspray, and a bunch of other wonderful films, and they are all great films about relationships and love. And another great film to add to that list is Clueless, a 1995 film that does not feel like a movie made in the 90s. I actually had to recheck every single source I had (Wikipedia, IMDb, and the DVD box) to confirm that this movie wasn’t made in the 80s, because it feels so much like an 80s film. And to mention-from what I’ve seen, my version of Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris would be me time-traveling back to 1980’s Hollywood. But enough about gushing on a time period, I need to gush about this movie. And since I just got done with watching Lady in the Water, I need something to remind me that good movies can still be made. Based off of the 1815 Jane Austen novel Emma, Clueless is the tale of Cher (Alicia Silverstone), a shallow, superficial, but extremely good-natured teen who acts as the unofficial match-maker for the school she attends, as she manipulates and matches people to get her way, and despite everything I say, she is a completely lovable protagonist, mostly because everything works out, and she is so good-natured in what she is doing. But she and her fellow super-rich and super-popular friends Donnie (Stacey Dash) and Tai (the late Brittany Murphy) set out to basically try to find their happy endings. The best thing about Clueless is that while there are some scenes where I was completely laughing out loud, it strives as a sweet film, it’s a film that makes cynics turn to lovers, a film that makes haters turn to kings. When someone like me, who constantly repeats the phrase “there are two types of people in this world-idiots, and the lonely” looks at a film with pure happiness and love, that is a wonderful thing. This movie is just a wonderful fun teen romance, one that is completely highly recommended.
8.5/10

Unbreakable (2000)

“They call me Mr. Glass…” M. Night Shyamalan’s (this was before the name Shyamalamadingdong became worthy) second major film, Unbreakable, is a movie that divides a lot of people. But, much like the 2011 film The Tree of Life, not a soul will ever agree on it. I (and neither will any fellow movie-lovers) refuse to admit fault in The Tree of Life, at least any faults that are hate-worthy. And I say the same thing with Unbreakable. While I think The Tree of Life is a better film than Unbreakable, it does not dilute the love I have for this film in any way. Despite having a lot of people hate this movie for either its unconventional tone, lack of a brand name superhero, or the wicked twist ending that many people hate, this movie is an absolutely wonderful film, and is easily Shyamalan’s best film, and yes, it is a better film than The Sixth Sense. Easily deserving its place as one of Time’s “Top 10 Superhero Movies” list, Unbreakable stars Bruce Willis as David Dunn, a man who finds out, with the help of odd comic book fan named Elijah Price (the perfect Samuel L. Jackson, whose comic book fan basically to the extent of ‘him with comics/me with movies’) with osteogenesis imperfecta, a rare disease where those affected have extremely brittle bones, those that break unnaturally. What may be a simple scratch to one of us would be a good number of bone fractures, something that actually does happen in the movie. But Elijah’s logic is that if there is someone like him, there must be someone else on the other side of the spectrum, someone who is truly unbreakable, a superhero, and that man, David, is found by Elijah after he is the sole survivor of a freak train accident. I know I’m not explaining this well. Quentin Tarantino explains it best-“What if Superman was here on Earth, and didn’t know he was Superman?” That quote really does explain this movie best. It is an origin story to a new superhero, a new hero for a new generation. But, don’t get me wrong, this movie isn’t perfect. The first thirty minutes or so of this film are very slow, as is the entire film, but it takes about thirty minutes for the film to completely set in, at least for me. But despite that, the movie is a tense film, a wonderful one, and one that shall be recommended for ages passed on. And-the twist ending at the end of this movie is a wonderful one. Just saying. “It’s how I knew. It was the kids! They called me Mr. Glass.”
8.5/10

Hairspray (2007)

Let me begin this review like I begin most of my best ones-by being mean. If you don’t like this movie-heck, if you don’t love this movie, you are a Terminator, and your mission in life is to suck the fun out of it. Because this little gem right here, based off of the Broadway musical based off of the John Waters film of the same name, is nothing but pure unleaded fun for 2 hours. Telling an alternate tale of the Civil Rights movement (yes, your history teachers lied to you. It wasn’t Martin Luther King Jr. or Malcolm X; it was a singing chubby white girl. AMERICA!) through song and dance, Hairspray is the tale of Tracy Turnblad (newcomer Nikki Blonsky), a girl in the 60s who, with her best friend Penny (the always wonderful Amanda Bynes), dreams of nothing more than being a dancer on The Corny Collins Show, a local dance show run by Corny Collins (James Marsden), the fun and awesome super-amazing guy, and Velma Von Tussle (Michelle Pfeiffer), who is the exact opposite, and is super racist. On the show are Velma’s daughter Amber (Brittany Snow), and Link (Zac Efron…in a good movie…where he isn’t terrible? GASP!), among other people. Now, even that would only be a packed enough film, but the film also deals with the relationship with Tracy’s mother and father (carrying the tradition of the John Waters film and the musical, Tracy’s mother is played by a man in drag, this time John Travolta, and his/her husband, played by Christopher Walken. There seriously is a scene where John Travolta and Christopher Walken sing a love song to each other. There is a God.), and the fact that people were still super racist in the 60s, as Tracy encounters a group of African-American dancers including Seaweed (Elijah Kelley) and his mother Maybelle (Queen Latifah). Despite the fact that the plot can be sort of silly and convoluted, it doesn’t matter. This movie is nothing but pure unleaded fun for two full hours. This is truly one of those movies that I watch when I am having a terrible day, and watch it and love it. The songs are hyper-energetic, the jokes are hilarious, and the movie is so dang bright, you have to smile during it. Now, this isn’t a feel-good movie like (500) Days of Summer, which does so in an odd way (at least for me), it’s just so much fun that it’s purely contagious. This movie is contagious with fun, and everybody needs to see it. You. You need to see it. And if you don’t like it, you’re a Terminator.
9/10

Chronicle (2012)

I promised some of my friends that I would put this up a few hours after seeing this movie. That was about fourteen hours ago. So, Ginny and Hannah, I am sorry. Now let’s begin! Chronicle is the first movie that I’ve seen that was a 2012 film. I designed it this way (not seeing Man on a Ledge with my not-as-awesome friends), so that I could gush over this movie. And gush I shall. Written by the son of John Landis, Max, and directed by first-time director Josh Trank, Chronicle should have been terrible from the beginning. A found-footage superhero movie with angry angst-filled teens who fight should have been terrible. But then the trailer came out a couple months ago, and the concept intrigued me enough to check it out. Since then, Chronicle was at the very top of my ‘must-see’ list, which is well deserved. Truly so much more than a superhero movie, Chronicle is probably one of the most fantastic and purely haunting films since Drive (and I know I saw Drive last week, but I’m talking in the sense of release date). Starring absolutely wonderful teen TV actor Dane DeHaan (seriously. At some legitimate award ceremony, please give this kid a nomination for Best Actor) as Andrew, this movie follows him as he begins to film his terrible life, beaten by his father, his mother dying, him having no friends, just slowly becoming a wave of destruction. But when he is helped out by his cousin Matt (Alex Russell) and Matt’s friend Steve (Michael B. Jordan), he begins to have some friends and social life, which is greatly emphasized when the three of them find a hole in the middle of a ditch. They go in the hole. They walk out with superpowers. For wisely unexplained reasons, they now have telekinetic powers, and use those powers the way teens would-pulling pranks on people. That’s what’s great with this movie. It actually shows what would happen instead of what their parents would want to happen. They don’t go around swinging building-to-building with pizza boxes in hand, they actually make some decent havoc in the grocery store world. They find out they can fly as their powers get stronger. Soon, they can do anything, but despite his newfound popularity, Andrew, because of the terrible way his father treats him, goes rouge. He starts to steal money (for his mother’s treatment, but still), and beats up people and probably kills a lot of them. So, despite pleas from the others, the end of this movie turns into a terrifying superhero war in the middle of the city, but even though he’s killing thousands of lives, you never give up on Andrew. He’s such a sympathetic character, and his life was going so well, it’s more of a tragic teen drama than it is a superhero movie. And with the people being able to move the camera with their mind and get some great cinematic shots, and switching from camera-to-camera made the film lose the ‘found footage touch’ that even Cloverfield had to bear. This movie is a wonderful superhero movie, a wonderful found footage movie, and heck, just a wonderful movie. It truly is as near perfect as you can get in 2012. Please go see this movie. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll pretend that you have superpowers at the end and freak out all your friends (sorry guys). But seriously, please go see this movie. It deserves it.
9.5/10

Courageous (2011)

And let the rant begin. As I have said many times, I am not a fan of inspirational films. And also as I have said twice, thrice, quadrice (?) times, I really am not a fan of religious films. Don’t get me wrong, I am a Christian, but nearly all religious films are messages and not movies. And the biggest culprit of this is Sherwood Pictures, a terrible religious film company who churns out another heap of cat excrement every few years (by using the fancy word ‘excrement’, I have already written stuff better in this review than in this entire movie, in all modesty). My school makes me sit through clips of Facing the Giants a couple times every year, and people cheer. THEY CHEER! I have never been more disappointed in my classmates, especially when they’re the same classmates who have bashed The Tree of Life like it was Something Borrowed. But, the fourth film by these terrible people is Courageous, a movie about cops who are also fathers. They get sad when they can’t be the same fathers on TV, because they have to be normal people and can’t spend every day with their bratty kids. I have the same problem with this like I do with I Don’t Know How She Does It-they treat these people who aren’t the perfect family like they are hindered and basically unable to do this and poor them-but they’re just people, so you all need to suck it up, and take your terrible movies with you when you do. Now, I could end the review here, but I need to go into more detail of how much I hate this. The direction is terrible, the editing is atrocious, the writing is absolutely horrid, the acting is on par with Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace, and that’s saying something. Now Haylee-this last part is for you. There are two things done right in this movie-there is one funny scene and one mildly interesting cop shooting. But the movie drags on, it’s terrible made, and it is a movie made by people who don’t watch movies, don’t like movies, and quite frankly, don’t make movies, because this isn’t a movie. You want a good religious movie-watch The Last Temptation of Christ. But you can’t, because it portrays Jesus as impure, so you couldn’t watch that, you have to take this force-fed message that is built on no principle of filmmaking what-so-ever. Let the hate begin.
2.5/10