Twilight (2008)

Well, I did it. I’m stupid for doing it, I know. I regret it now, but I’ve already done it, so let’s just get on with life. I sat down and watched Twilight. I know that it was a bad decision, but I did it. I did it for you, the readers. Because I’ve heard so much bull by my Twilight-loving friends, that I rag on it without seeing it. Well, are you happy now? I saw Twilight, you vampire-obsessed blood-suckers (pun intended). I saw it. I can now give my honest, complete opinion. And I would only review films honestly. Check my other reviews for example. So here is the complete review of Twilight-it’s pretty bad. Not as bad as I thought it would be, mind you, but terrible. Well, I shouldn’t say that. It’s not terrible. It’s just by no means good. If you’ve spent more than five minutes in a public building for the past couple of years, more than likely you’ve heard of Twilight, be it from one of the haters (like me), or one of the wrong ones (complete prejudice on my part). Well, it’s been 191 words; I should start talking about my issues with this movie in detail. For starters, the movie is extremely uneven. For the first hour of the movie, it’s a bad teen romance movie, one that would make Nicolas Sparks cringe in pain. Then for thirty minutes it gets better. It becomes a decently slick supernatural John Hughes knock-off (I’m talking Weird Science more, not so much The Breakfast Club. I still like Weird Science, but it’s far from perfect). Not great, but extremely watchable. Then, for fifteen minutes it suddenly jumps into action-horror mode out of nowhere. This transition is terrible, but the fight was kind of cool. Whenever you do a fight scene in a place where there are a lot of mirrors, I’m sold. And then for about five-to-ten minutes it becomes the terrible teen romance again. And then there are the credits. The oh-so magical credits, how I love them so. But the film is extremely uneven. It feels like three different movies, splashed together. A bad one, a decent one, and a cool one. And the better the part of the movie is, the shorter it is. The best part of the film is the action scene in the end. It is not perfect by any sense of the word, but it was kind of cool. And as I said, I’m a sucker for the mirrors. The next best part is the thirty minutes after the big vampire reveal comes (and I’ll get to that later). It’s still slow, but it’s extremely passable. And for the part that isn’t, we have the first hour of the movie. It is slow, dragged out, and poorly made. The direction is awful (Catherine Hardwick is my third-least favorite director, behind the Friedberg/Seltzer team and Stewart Rafill), so bad that life seems to go in slow-motion. Everything was just dragged out, made just so much more painful. It’s like if for an hour Zack Snyder directed my life. The writing for the film is unnaturally bad. I have met people this age. I know people this age very closely, ones who have been in odd relationships. AND THEY DO NOT TALK LIKE THIS! People do not talk like this. This is not how human (or vampire) teenagers have conversations. This dialogue is so bad, no actor can redeem it. I know that Kristen Stewart can’t act at all (there is an awesome photo on the internet comparing the emotions of Emma Watson and Kristen Stewart, please go Google it), but she’s not this bad. And Robert Pattinson is actually good. If you watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, you’d know that he’s not a bad actor. Most of the people here are good actors. Anna Kendrick is in here for a little bit. She is downright amazing in movies like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. She is completely amazing. But here, I was ready to hand her a Razzie. That’s how bad the dialogue here is. It is really bad. Okay. I’ve calmed down, and I should talk about the plot of this movie actually. The plot is extremely simple; I can sum it up like this-‘Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Boy is vampire.’ Simple as that. Nothing more to it, on the bare core of it. That’s all you need to know. More things will come along, more things will go. I don’t care. The film is just stupid. It is Lifetime-quality filmmaking. And that is not a complement. And just so I can finish my Twilight rant on an extremely important note, I have to say this-FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!
4/10