Beastly (2011)

Okay, I felt really good about my The Last Airbender review, and so I’m doing that thoughts-during-the-movie thing again. So enjoy. [Before film] This movie looks so terrible. It has a 16% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it stars Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer. Now, I’m the idiot that thought that I Am Number Four wasn’t complete trash, in fact I liked it, but Pettyfer was not what I liked about that movie. And Hudgens has also made Sucker Punch this year, and we all know how that turned out. Either way, I’m gonna begin. Wish me luck. [4 minutes in] Okay, this was a bad decision. I shouldn’t have seen this movie. Film loving morals mean nothing anymore. This movie already makes no sense. It opens with Alex Pettfyer doing a workout with a pop song in the background. And then it cuts to him being a terrible human being in a speech for some stupid president plants thing. He out rightly speaks that he is only running for credit, and that he is going to win because he is attractive. AND THE CROWS CHEERS! The crowd stands up, holds signs in the air, and cheers. TEENAGERS DON’T ACT LIKE THIS! I AM A TEENAGER! I KNOW TEENAGERS! THEY DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS! *sigh* This is gonna be a long review. [13 minutes in] I am embarrassed to write reviews of the medium that this occupies. I am embarrassed to like the story, The Beauty and the Beast, which this is based upon. I hate this movie. I hate it more than Red Riding Hood, I hate it more than The Roommate, I even hate it more than Catwoman. This movie is so terrible. I really want it to turn into a slasher film at the end, where Freddy Krueger brutally murders every single human being that was in the movie. Think about it. Wes Craven’s Beastly New Nightmare. And the one to survive? Neil Patrick Harris, because I like How I Met Your Mother. Everyone else should parish. Yes, this is that terrible of a film. If you can even call it that. Or maybe Neil Partick Harris is the murderer. Cool. [22 minutes in] This is torture. I am torturing myself watching this movie. If this doesn’t get me as a registered Rotten Tomatoes critic, nothing will. Oh, this is so bad. It feels like a student film. Nay, worse than a student film. You cannot encompass how bad this movie is in a word. The main character already has metal in his head, a crowbar might do him some good. Wow. A third done with the movie, and this review has gotten really violent. Will somebody do a film version of this review? That would be such a more interesting movie than this is. I mean, The Beatles made a movie out of a song, why couldn’t somebody make a movie out of a review for a terrible film? Edgar Wright, please do this. It would be awesome. [28 minutes in] No disrespect to Neil Patrick Harris, but sometimes, it seems like he forgets he’s playing a blind man. He visibly makes eye contact with Pettyfer, and then he goes back to blind. The awful has even spread to Neil Patrick Harris. Help me. [30 minutes in] STALKER ALERT! [35 minutes in] Why is this movie so long? There were about five seconds that were kind of sweet, but now…WHY? I hate this so much. [41 minutes in] Does this film have logic? No. Does it have sense? No. The only happiness I found was when Vanessa Hudgens threatened to tazer Pettyfer. And it’s not that the line was clever or funny, it’s just that I wanted to do the same thing. And one more thing-I did not know that Jujyfruits still exist. Apparently they do. Now I have to buy some. I like Jujyfruits. [47 minutes in] And now they have the montage. Oh God, the montage. The dreaded montage, how I hate you so. [50 minutes in] I think this is supposed to be comedy. I’m not really sure. [56 minutes in] I’m so glad this movie is shorter than 90 minutes. Granted, it feels like I have been sitting in this chair for three days straight, subject to torture. I’ve made this joke before about different films, but I’m gonna say it again. If I was in a Saw movie, and I was trapped in a room with this playing, the foot would be off in a second. [1 hour and 1 minute in] Am I the only one that realizes that this guy actually looks pretty cool? It’s kind of awesome. He’s got strange tattoos and metal in his face, but if he gets the sense to put some bandages over the cuts, he could just be him. This is the worst trying-to-make-someone-ugly job I have ever seen.[1 hour and 9 minutes in] It seems like there’s nothing more for me to say, but I still want to. Wait, I forgot to say the plot. Jerk is mean, evil witch turns him into metal tattoo-head, must find love or stay like this. Finds girl, terrible excuse for her to move in with him (what?), love. That’s it. Also, there was just a moment in the film where Vanessa got some really bad news. There was pain in her eyes. And I just laughed, and laughed, and laughed. [1 hour and 14 minutes in] More characters sad, Davey happy. And also, if they were going to shoot a scene or two in a high school, GET AN ACTUAL HIGH SCHOOL! [1 hour and 17 minutes in] Okay, I am straight up laughing out loud right now. But I am crying on the inside. Remind me to never trust the critics on Rotten Tomatoes that gave this positive reviews. They need to never review another movie. [Movie over] That was awful. I hate this movie, I hate CBS Films, I hate Alex Pettyfer, I hate Vanessa Hudgens, I hate Mary-Kate Olsen, the only person in this movie that I don’t hate is NPH. Because he’s awesome. But I still hate this. I hate it with every ounce I have in me. I could rant for about a thousand more words, but I think that this is long enough. This was torture.
0/10