Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

I love this movie. I love, love, love this movie. I love just about every single thing in this movie. It is sweet, beautiful, terrifying, astonishing, and enthralling. You know what? I’m gonna go the extra mile, and say that it is a better film than the original. I just blew your mind, didn’t I? Yes. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a better movie than the original Planet of the Apes over 40 years ago. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Planet of the Apes to death; the Blu-ray collection of all the originals is on my Amazon Wish List. But I think that I love this more. It is a brilliant piece of cinema, and currently, the second best movie of the year, right behind Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris (as I type this, I start to recollect memories of me having extremely intense arguments with my friends [most of whom give me the ‘deer in the headlights’ look when I mention Citizen Kane] over me saying that this movie was better than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. It currently sits two spaces below Rise of the Planet of the Apes on my ‘Best of 2011’ list, and when the year ends and I work out a way to have other work on the site, I will post a ‘Best of 2011’ list/video. But that’s not for now. That’s for then). The movie has been said to be a partial remake of the fourth film in the original series, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. And while I have not seen that film, I have seen the trailer and read the plotline on Wikipedia (extremely in-depth research, I know), and I do agree. The two movies are very similar, both dealing with an ape named Caeser (here played by Gollum/Kong, Andy Serkis) who leads the ape revolution to-basically-mess us humans up. Here, we have a scientist (played by James Franco) named Will who wants to try to find a cure for Alzheimer’s, which is very important to him because his father has the disease. During the phase in the research when they are testing on chimpanzees, they find that the one where the tests have worked best has had a baby. But due to the fact that the mother was trying to protect her baby and she completely destroyed the entire facility, the baby was going to be put down, but was saved by one of the scientists, named Franklin (Tyler Labine, who was on one of my favorite underrated TV shows, Reaper). This baby went to go live with Will, and as he grew over the years, it has been shown that his mother was tested so much with the cure that it has turned him into a hyper-intelligent ape. We then proceed to see this ape grow up in a perfect little island in the middle of the cold, dark storm we call life. And every time Caesar goes out to sea, he gets colder and colder along with the world, as he realizes what he’s been sheltered against. The movie is basically a coming-of-age tale with an ape. It is a dark film, very dramatic, and at times, a bit depressing. Sometimes, it shows a world that seems darker than the one we live in. We seem to be Caeser at times, in our island. But the only difference is that when one of us leave our island, we don’t start a revolution of the apes. And that was my philosophy. Well, enough philosophizing (believe it or not, it took me like five tries to spell that right. I love spell check). This movie is brilliant. It shows us a world more in-depth than the 60s ever did. And again, I’m not bagging on the original movie, I love it, but this is better. The directing is beautiful, the writing is outstanding, the acting is OH-MY-GOD fantastic. The Academy does need to loosen up and give Serkis the Oscar nod for Best Actor. He is phenomenal. This movie is phenomenal. I love this film. GO SEE IT RIGHT NOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING THIS REVIEWS STILL? YOU SHOULD BE ON FANDANGO BUYING TICKETS!
9.5/10

The Conspirator (2011)

I actually really enjoy this film. I thought it was very good. It’s decently clichéd and a bit melodramatic at times, but I did enjoy it. The Conspirator follows an interesting and previously untouched in film (as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t do a lot of research) topic, that of Mary Surratt, a woman (portrayed by Princess Buttercup/Jenny, Robin Wright) who, in the wake of the assassination of our 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, was trialed to have thought to be a conspirator in the murder. Her lawyer in the case was Fredrick Aiken (played by our brand new Charles Xavier, James McAvoy), a civil war veteran who is extremely saddened by the death of his president. He doesn’t want to take this case; he knows in his heart that Surratt is guilty, but he is coerced into doing this by his mentor, Reverdy Johnson (Tom Wilkinson). His best friend (Justin Long) and his girlfriend (Alexis Bledel) both think he should just forget the case. But he does not. He sticks with the case, and over time, he starts to realize that possibly, this woman may not be guilty. He thinks that the real conspirator was her son (played by Johnny Simmons, who was Young Neil in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World), but she is being trialed anyway. The rest of this movie plays out this way. The movie is a courtroom drama, through and through. It is directed by Robert Redford, who directed a film that I love very much, Quiz Show. He directs both of these films a very similar way. He directs movies like one would direct a stage play. They feel like one of those classic films from the 40s. And that is not a bad thing at all. Because what people love about those films is that they are brilliantly acted, wonderfully directed, and exquisitely written. This film is that all the way. And that is why this film is worth watching.
8.5/10

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)

*unnaturally long sigh* I know. I know. I didn’t want this. I never wanted this. Here is my… (I’m crying a little bit as I write this)…review…for…the…Justin…Bieber…movie. I never wanted to say those words. I have been teased, picked on, and verbally abused by all of my friends practically for me seeing this. Now what are they gonna say when I tell them that it wasn’t completely terrible? If I was one of my friends, I would punch myself in the face. And let me explain why. I have kept the argument for a year that Justin Bieber could possibly be the single nicest human being on the planet. Heck, he could even be actually extremely talented. But I would rather bash my head against a wall a million times than have to hear ‘Baby’ one more time in gym. And the thing that I like about this movie is that it proves that I was right. Justin Bieber is a very nice individual. And if you watch some footage from if he was younger, you can see that he is actually talented. He is a very good drummer, and actually a good singer. Where did that go? I do not know. If he had done something different, I might have him on my iPod. But instead he has a swarm of annoying fans and a movie about him and them. Now, I am being extremely cynical. Let me explain. This movie has no reason to exist. Maybe in twenty years, we could have the Bieber version of This is It. But here, we have a movie that has no reason to exist. But it is not terrible. I really can’t explain the plot of this movie, because it doesn’t really have a plot. It just follows Bieber on his concert tour, and tells the story of his life. The movie does a good job of telling this, but it is extremely long. Like, the movie is only around 90 minutes, but it feels unnaturally long. When the movie was over, all I could say was-“If this was a 45-minute special on MTV, it would be the single best one ever.” And that’s all there is to it. It’s a Justin Bieber movie. You know what you’re getting into. And there is absolutely nothing I can say that will make you change your mind. I don’t know why I’m even reviewing this but I am, and I’m going to sum it up like this-It really is not as terrible as it could be.
6/10

Planet of the Apes (1968)

I am such a sucker for old science fiction movies. They’re all so great. TRON, Logan’s Run, Westworld, 2001: A Space Odyssey, King Kong, I love them all. And forget we shall not, one of the arguably most iconic ones, Planet of the Apes. With the series reboot Rise of the Planet of the Apes out in theaters, I decided to catch at least one of the originals before seeing it with my friends tonight. And I was making sure that I finished my review before I saw it. I saw this movie almost a week ago, I’ve just been lazy and my computer keeps crashing this week. So, I’m sorry, but…yeah. It’s here now. This movie is a classic. It is a feat of science fiction, and is downright amazing. Even watching it over 40 years later, I’m still entranced. But, completely, every single Planet of the Apes movie depends on one thing-suspension of disbelief. And lots of movies require this. But only the good movies get it. Looking back at the movie Hop, the biggest thing that I didn’t like about it was that it just didn’t make any sense. Things would pop out of nowhere, and it was just convoluted. And, down to the basic core of it, so is Planet of the Apes. But the difference between the two boils down to one thing-whether or not the film actually gives you a reason for suspending your disbelief. And where Hop didn’t, Planet of the Apes does. For starters, its plot is pretty dang epic. The movie follows three astronauts (there was a fourth one, a woman, but in space flight, where her bed was had a small leak in it…and…yeah…she’s dead) who land on a distant planet where apes are the dominant race and humans are used as pets. The main astronaut, Taylor (played by Charlton Heston), is thrown in a cage with other humans. He is smarter than the other humans (who can’t even speak), and is on the intelligence level of the apes that are controlling him. From there, we get apes that are actually not cold-hearted monkeys (pun intended), some decently awesome special effects, and the single most stunning shot in a film since we figured out what ‘Rosebud’ was. And yes, the special effects are extremely good. Well, I need to rephrase that. The special effects in this film are outstanding for 1968. They are amazing for 1978. They are great for 1988. They are good for 1998. And if they were in an indie film today, it would pass. It would pass, and it would be good. It’s kind of amazing that a movie from 1968 can still have this kind of value today. On my wish list, I have the entire series on Blu-ray. So one day I will buy it, and then get to watch all of the others. And you can find that wish list at…just kidding. I’m not going to mooch off of my readers. Well, not yet at least. Where was I? Oh yeah. Watch this movie.
8.5/10

Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil (2011)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I am a huge fan of the original Hoodwinked! I consider it to be a cult classic. And in my review for that film, I defined what I consider to be a cult film. There was one thing that I forgot. They almost never have good sequels. With only three exceptions that I can think of off the top of my head (The Road Warrior, Evil Dead II, Dawn of the Dead), nearly every single surprise-hit sequel has been complete and utter trash. And here, we have no exception. The animation is just as terrible as the first, if not worse (it’s definitely creepier), and the jokes aren’t funny. The main thing that Hollywood needs to understand is that crude humor, physical jokes and references only work sparingly. Good examples of when these work are The Help, The Three Stooges, and anything Edgar Wright ever touched. But not here. WHEN IS HOLLYWOOD GOING TO REALIZE THAT WE ARE SICK OF THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS JOKES? Aarrarrargh! Hulk scream over. Anyway, I’m, gonna probably start to explain the extremely thinly-veiled plot of this movie. While Red (no longer voiced by Anne Hathaway, but voiced by the mediocre Hayden Pannetiere) is training with an ancient bakery association (what?) called The Sisters of the Hood (what?), Granny (Glenn Close) is kidnapped along with Hansel and Gretel (Bill Hader and Amy Poehler) by the Witch (Joan Cusack) because of an attempt that went wrong saving H&G by the Wolf (Patrick Warburton and Twitchy (Cory Edwards). And so Red has to team up with Wolf and the magic truffle…it doesn’t make any sense to me either, and I watched the movie. Okay. My first problem with the film is that it does not have any ties to the original movie. These are not the characters that I lovingly watched in 2006. Granny has nothing to do with who we saw then. Red, Flippers, Wolf, all of them are different! AND IT ANGERS ME! YARGGH! And I’m going to revoke what I said about The Silence of the Lambs joke. It can be funny. I’ve seen it be funny. BUT HERE IT’S JUST STUPID! THIS MOVIE IS SO STUPID, AND IT DISGRACED WHAT I KNOW AND LOVE! I HATE YOU Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil, I HATE YOU!
0.5/10

The Dilemma (2011)

Okay, maybe there is a problem with me. There are movies that tons of people love and laugh at and think are hilarious, but I think are completely unfunny messes. Happy Gilmore, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Just Go With It, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Date Movie, Leap Year, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Old Dogs…to name a few. And now added to the list is The Dilemma. Now, all of the movies I have mentioned here, except for Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, all have rotten ratings on Rotten Tomatoes. But a lot of people that I know love them all. Ones that usually I don’t treat with high respect when it comes to film discussion (I bet that ¾ of them have no idea what Citizen Kane is), but still people none the less. My problem with all of these films, including The Dilemma, is that they’re not funny. They don’t have jokes that make me laugh. Some of them don’t even have jokes at all. Here, we have one of those films. It is lazy, uninspired, and I can obviously tell was invented for the sole purpose of getting a paycheck, not for trying to make people laugh. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I hate this movie. I hate this movie so much. Well, for starters, I hate most of the people involved with this film. I did use to like Vince Vaughn. I really did. I thought he was great in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. And even though I really didn’t care that much for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I still enjoyed it, and thought that he was very charismatic in that role. And he was also a small part in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, and I love that movie to death. And then a little movie came along called Fred Claus. And then there was Couples Retreat, Four Christmases, and now, The Dilemma. So his downfall makes me mad. And beside Vince is Kevin James. And I hate him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I hate Paul Blart: Mall Cop, I hate what I’ve seen of The King of Queens, and I haven’t seen Zookeeper, and I only will on one of my bad movie runs. And Chaning Tatum. He has the acting range of a stick figure. Actually, when I was 8, I drew comics with stick figures, and they had better acting depth than Tatum. And now I’m gonna rant about the crew. I have always said that the screenplay is the single most important part of making a movie. And here, the script is helmed by Allan Loeb, who co-wrote 21 and Just Go With It. I hate Allen Loeb. The script for 21 was weak, even though I liked the film, and Just Go With It, even though I was kinder than most critics, I still have it on my bottom 10 for 2011 list (which I currently update for every terrible film I watch). So yeah, I hate Allen Loeb. The only person that worked on the film that I don’t hate is Ron Howard, the director. And the only reason I don’t hate him right now is because he directed one of my favorite movies, Apollo 13. But even the great Ron Howard can’t save this garbage. But, I would have to say that my biggest problem with The Dilemma is that it could have been something better. The film has a good premise that would work great for a comedy-drama if it had a good script. The premise concerns a man (Vince Vaughn), who, as he is trying to find out a way to propose to his girlfriend, finds his best friend’s (Kevin James) wife cheating on him with a thug (Channing Tatum). Now wouldn’t that be kind of cool? It could make for a really good morality film that would be clever, insightful, and funny. But instead we have The Dilemma. Don’t see this movie. Please.
2/10

Hoodwinked! (2006)

I’ll get to my review in a little bit, but before I do that, I want you to ponder something for me. What defines a cult film? And by that, I mean a movie that has a special place in someone’s heart. Usually only a small group of people, but not necessarily. How can one determine if a movie is going to be liked by a lot of people, or loved by the few? They can’t. It is impossible to determine who is going to like a movie. With one exception (usually one can tell if a movie is going to be terrible), it doesn’t seem possible that George A. Romero knew that the small little indie horror film he was making in 1968 would be watched by a nerdy little teenager over 40 years later (me). That film, Night of the Living Dead, is one of the most popular cult classics in history. And a little lower on the list we find Hoodwinked! A retelling of the Red Riding Hood fairytale, Hoodwinked! is a perfect cult film in its right. Granted, that does mean that it’s not for everybody, but it sure as heck is for me. To sum the film up in a nutshell, try to think an animated Red Riding Hood scientifically fused with Rashomon and also some very funny jokes and a little bit of The Usual Suspects. For those who do not know, Rashomon was a Japanese film from director Akira Kurosawa, who is one of the best directors in history. If you get the chance, please check that and Seven Samurai out. They’re both very good. But Rashomon tells a story from four different perspectives in order to figure out a crime. And that’s basically Hoodwinked! The four here are Red (Anna Hathaway), Granny (Glenn Close), The Wolf (Patrick Warburton), and one that was not in the original story, Kirk the Woodsman (Jim Belushi), who is an actor, who got a call back for a forest-set commercial, which led him to chop down a lot of trees. Red just wants to get out of the forest and see the world, Granny has a dark secret, and, basically, The Wolf is Fletch from the movie of the same name. And these four stories all collect to find the ‘Goody Bandit’, an unknown entity who is stealing all of the recipies for the desserts in the forest, therefore putting them all out of business. I know, it’s kind of ridiculous, but the film does make up for its completely ridiculous plot with some very funny jokes. Just having seen the original Arthur, this movie reminded me of that. I really didn’t laugh out loud during either of those films, but they were both funny and, at times, downright hilarious because they were smart. The jokes in this film are smart and funny. The film is one of the best I have ever seen when it comes to independent animation. And the film shows. The animation in the film is terrible. It is so awful, but it’s okay. The movie is low-budget. And they didn’t want to spend time on animation. They wanted to spend time on funny jokes. They wanted to make a movie that someone would go into expecting mediocrity and then come out a few years later and have that listed as one of their party movies. And accomplish that they did. With the extremely inferior sequel out on DVD, I highly recommend that you pick this up. Trust me, there are much worse movies out there.
8.5/10

Arthur (1981)

Is there such a thing as a lovable drunk rich sometimes-misogynic careless man-child? Yes. And who would this one be? Arthur Bach, an heir to nearly a billion dollars. He has never worked a day in his life, and is taken care of by his nanny Hobson (John Gielgud). For lack of a better word, Arthur Bach is the original man-child. Before Will Ferrell ran his shtick into the ground, the original man-child was Dudley Moore. And I say this for one reason-he is a grown man but he acts like a five-year-old. A drunk, rich and lazy five-year-old, but yes, a five-year-old. Actually, he acts younger than a five-year-old. He acts like he’s three. But, you know how that, even if a three-year-old burns your house to the ground, you just wanna hug him forever? That’s what you kind of feel with Arthur Bach. You just want to cuddle him. You want good things to happen to this man. And they do. And they don’t. It’s kind of a mixture. What happens is that Arthur meets a girl (played by Liza Minnelli, who was on Arrested Development), who he immediately falls in love with. And they would be just fine, except for one reason-he is in the middle of an arranged engagement with Susan (Jill Eikenberry). He doesn’t love her, he loves this other woman. So he should just cancel with Susan, right? WRONG! Because his engagement is a business transaction, and if he cancels it, he would lose his 750 million dollars (remember, this is in 1981 money, so it’s even more now). And what is a spoiled playboy going to do without his money? Either do what he wants, or keep the money? And, in a nutshell, that is the plot of Arthur. Sounds kind of light, doesn’t it? Most plots for these really smart comedies are. What is the plot of Arrested Development? A man goes to jail and his extremely dysfunctional family has to live without his money. It’s thin too, is it not? And yes, Arthur is an extremely smart and funny comedy. There are no moments where you are bending over laughing. You want that, go and watch a Will Ferrell movie. And they’re not bad, they’re just not as smart as this movie is. And with the remake out on DVD, and me watching it in a few days (hopefully. I don’t wanna pay for it, so I’m waiting for it to come to my library. Remember kids, what you don’t wanna pay for, mooch off of public buildings. But return that stuff, because I want to watch it too), I wanted to see this. And you should do. Now I really don’t wanna see the remake. Why remake this? Why remake an Oscar-winning comedy? Money, that’s why. Wow. I’m getting cynical before I even have a DVD in my hand. I think that’s a new record.
8.5/10

Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011)

Is there are reason that I love comedy-dramas so much? I don’t know. With The Help, About a Boy, Juno, Forrest Gump, and a billion others, I think that the comedy-drama genre is a goldmine. They make me laugh, they make me cry, I think it is my favorite genre. Either that or the hard science-fiction genre (like Moon or Minority Report), I’m not sure. But I do love this genre, and therefore, I do love this movie. It is definitely not a perfect film, and I think that there are much better films out there this year, technically, but on a personal standpoint, this film is great. I loved it very much. It is a great film. This is a great film, simple as that. It was funny, charming, well-shot, and has this sort of kinetic energy that plays out through the entire film, even during a dramatic scene. And so things play out like this-this movie classifies itself as a romantic comedy-drama, along the lines of the modern masterpiece (500) Days of Summer. But it is not. The movie is a comedy with small dramatic elements, and is completely hilarious all of the way through. It does right what The Dilemma did wrong, in that it is a movie that is serious, and deals with a serious issue, and is extremely funny. Now, I am going to talk about said serious issue in a second, but the movie kind of gets tangled with all of the characters and sub-plots (almost like an episode of a romantic comedy version of Lost. And all you Lost-onians can berate me about saying that, I only watched like three episodes), so this one is gonna be a breather. If you are reading this out loud, I suggest that you don’t. The movie begins with an average dinner with an extremely average couple, one that has slumped into monotony (almost like Steve Carell and Tina Fey in Date Night). These two are Cal and Emily Weaver (Steve Carell and Julianne Moore), a couple who have been together since high school. The two are just talking calmly, and as they are about to order, Emily drops the single biggest bombshell a marriage could have-“I want a divorce.” Cal then responds two minutes later by jumping out of a moving car. He moves out, and starts going to a bar every night, when he meets up with Jacob (Ryan Gosling), a ladies’ man at his finest hour. Think Joey from Friends if he didn’t have the awesome catchphrases and was successful every single night (although, if Gosling did say, “Hey, how you doin’?” to one of the girls, this would probably be the greatest movie ever. But anyway, this certain womanizer’s eye is caught by a girl named Hannah (Emma Stone), who has a special and unexpected attachment to the previously mentioned characters, who turns Jacob away, to his surprise. And as he teaches Cal how to pick up women, he begins to learn a few things about living life a little less carelessly while teaching Cal the exact opposite. And also, Cal’s son Robby is in love with his babysitter Jessica, who is in love with Cal…IT’S JUST REALLY COMPLICATED, OKAY? Think of it like this-Cal and Emily, Jacob and Hannah, Robby and Jessica and Cal. Got it? Probably not, but it’ll all make sense when you watch the movie. And watch it you should. There are a lot of very good things I have to say about this movie. For starters, the movie is extremely funny. There really are two types of comedy-dramas in film. 1) A dramatic film with comedy splashed into it to keep the tone light. These are the kind that win Oscars, and 2) A comedy film with dramatic elements playing a strong part. Crazy, Stupid, Love. is the second kind. I don’t think I have laughed harder in a movie this year (granted, the only two comedies that I think I would have laughed harder in are both rated R [Horrible Bosses and Bridesmaids]. I hate being 13). There is a scene near the end where I was laughing the entire time. There were jokes in here where I laughed out loud, and the entire theater looked at me like I was a crazy person. Maybe it’s just that this movie appeals to me. So if you’re me, this movie is for you. Or if you just want a good comedy or a romantic comedy that doesn’t follow a formula. If you wish there were more movies out there like (500) Days of Summer or Definitely, Maybe, then you need to check out Crazy, Stupid, Love.
9/10

Beastly (2011)

Okay, I felt really good about my The Last Airbender review, and so I’m doing that thoughts-during-the-movie thing again. So enjoy. [Before film] This movie looks so terrible. It has a 16% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it stars Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer. Now, I’m the idiot that thought that I Am Number Four wasn’t complete trash, in fact I liked it, but Pettyfer was not what I liked about that movie. And Hudgens has also made Sucker Punch this year, and we all know how that turned out. Either way, I’m gonna begin. Wish me luck. [4 minutes in] Okay, this was a bad decision. I shouldn’t have seen this movie. Film loving morals mean nothing anymore. This movie already makes no sense. It opens with Alex Pettfyer doing a workout with a pop song in the background. And then it cuts to him being a terrible human being in a speech for some stupid president plants thing. He out rightly speaks that he is only running for credit, and that he is going to win because he is attractive. AND THE CROWS CHEERS! The crowd stands up, holds signs in the air, and cheers. TEENAGERS DON’T ACT LIKE THIS! I AM A TEENAGER! I KNOW TEENAGERS! THEY DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS! *sigh* This is gonna be a long review. [13 minutes in] I am embarrassed to write reviews of the medium that this occupies. I am embarrassed to like the story, The Beauty and the Beast, which this is based upon. I hate this movie. I hate it more than Red Riding Hood, I hate it more than The Roommate, I even hate it more than Catwoman. This movie is so terrible. I really want it to turn into a slasher film at the end, where Freddy Krueger brutally murders every single human being that was in the movie. Think about it. Wes Craven’s Beastly New Nightmare. And the one to survive? Neil Patrick Harris, because I like How I Met Your Mother. Everyone else should parish. Yes, this is that terrible of a film. If you can even call it that. Or maybe Neil Partick Harris is the murderer. Cool. [22 minutes in] This is torture. I am torturing myself watching this movie. If this doesn’t get me as a registered Rotten Tomatoes critic, nothing will. Oh, this is so bad. It feels like a student film. Nay, worse than a student film. You cannot encompass how bad this movie is in a word. The main character already has metal in his head, a crowbar might do him some good. Wow. A third done with the movie, and this review has gotten really violent. Will somebody do a film version of this review? That would be such a more interesting movie than this is. I mean, The Beatles made a movie out of a song, why couldn’t somebody make a movie out of a review for a terrible film? Edgar Wright, please do this. It would be awesome. [28 minutes in] No disrespect to Neil Patrick Harris, but sometimes, it seems like he forgets he’s playing a blind man. He visibly makes eye contact with Pettyfer, and then he goes back to blind. The awful has even spread to Neil Patrick Harris. Help me. [30 minutes in] STALKER ALERT! [35 minutes in] Why is this movie so long? There were about five seconds that were kind of sweet, but now…WHY? I hate this so much. [41 minutes in] Does this film have logic? No. Does it have sense? No. The only happiness I found was when Vanessa Hudgens threatened to tazer Pettyfer. And it’s not that the line was clever or funny, it’s just that I wanted to do the same thing. And one more thing-I did not know that Jujyfruits still exist. Apparently they do. Now I have to buy some. I like Jujyfruits. [47 minutes in] And now they have the montage. Oh God, the montage. The dreaded montage, how I hate you so. [50 minutes in] I think this is supposed to be comedy. I’m not really sure. [56 minutes in] I’m so glad this movie is shorter than 90 minutes. Granted, it feels like I have been sitting in this chair for three days straight, subject to torture. I’ve made this joke before about different films, but I’m gonna say it again. If I was in a Saw movie, and I was trapped in a room with this playing, the foot would be off in a second. [1 hour and 1 minute in] Am I the only one that realizes that this guy actually looks pretty cool? It’s kind of awesome. He’s got strange tattoos and metal in his face, but if he gets the sense to put some bandages over the cuts, he could just be him. This is the worst trying-to-make-someone-ugly job I have ever seen.[1 hour and 9 minutes in] It seems like there’s nothing more for me to say, but I still want to. Wait, I forgot to say the plot. Jerk is mean, evil witch turns him into metal tattoo-head, must find love or stay like this. Finds girl, terrible excuse for her to move in with him (what?), love. That’s it. Also, there was just a moment in the film where Vanessa got some really bad news. There was pain in her eyes. And I just laughed, and laughed, and laughed. [1 hour and 14 minutes in] More characters sad, Davey happy. And also, if they were going to shoot a scene or two in a high school, GET AN ACTUAL HIGH SCHOOL! [1 hour and 17 minutes in] Okay, I am straight up laughing out loud right now. But I am crying on the inside. Remind me to never trust the critics on Rotten Tomatoes that gave this positive reviews. They need to never review another movie. [Movie over] That was awful. I hate this movie, I hate CBS Films, I hate Alex Pettyfer, I hate Vanessa Hudgens, I hate Mary-Kate Olsen, the only person in this movie that I don’t hate is NPH. Because he’s awesome. But I still hate this. I hate it with every ounce I have in me. I could rant for about a thousand more words, but I think that this is long enough. This was torture.
0/10

Happy Gilmore (1996)

WARNING-If you are a fan of the 1996 Adam Sandler “comedy” Happy Gilmore, I suggest that you stop reading right now, and go read my review of an Adam Sandler movie that I liked, say, Billy Madison. Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about Happy Gilmore. This movie is terrible. It is a beautiful little slice of garbage from the mind of Adam Sandler. And why do I proclaim that this movie is trash? Because it is slimy, unfunny, dumpster-ridden trash. This is how bad of a comedy this is-had it been just slightly more serious, and a bit more sentimental, this movie could have been the greatest golf drama of all time. Out of a movie that is about an hour and a half long, there are about seven times that I counted attempts for jokes. Out of these seven, about three made me chuckle. And these were all pity chuckles for Adam Sandler. Because I like Adam Sandler. I really do. When I saw Billy Madison I was laughing decently hard. I find The Wedding Singer to be one of the best romantic comedies I have seen in a good while. Granted, I saw it for the first time around two months ago, but either way, it’s still pretty sweet and very hilarious. In here, neither of those happen here. It is cruel, evil, malicious, and worst of all, bland. The movie follows aspiring hockey player I-don’t-care-what-his-name-is (played by Adam Sandler) who, when his grandmother’s house has to be foreclosed since she doesn’t pay her taxes, goes to golfing in order to raise the money to buy the house back. But he’s unorthodox, and he’s really good at it. But he has anger issues, AND I DON’T CARE! I JUST DO NOT CARE! For short, we have this-guy with anger issues and unorthodox ways who is really good at golf. And he yells at the ball a couple times. Isn’t that funny? Yes it is. It was funny. It was one of the three chuckles I had in this movie. BECAUSE THE MOVIE DOESN’T EVEN TRY! IT DOESN’T EVEN TRY! And that, my friends, is why Happy Gilmore is the worst of the worst. Davey out.
1/10

The Help (2011)

I really, really, really, really, REALLY want to strangle Hilly Holbrook. That felt like the right way to start off this review. Based off of the book of the same name, The Help tells multiple stories revolving around the town of Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960s. The film is an ensemble piece, definitely. Contrary to what you may think, this is not a vehicle for Emma Stone. Now, I love Emma Stone to death, I think she is going to end up with a good few Oscars one day, but this is not her film. This isn’t anybody’s film. It is a pure group effort, probably the most difficult to find the main character in since 2010’s Coen Brothers version of True Grit. The movie follows multiple stories, so much that it’s kind of difficult to fully explain the plot. Emma Stone plays Skeeter, an aspiring novelist who attempts to write a book from the point of view of The Help, which was the name for African-American women that took care of the houses and children of the people who employed them, especially Aibileen (Viola Davis) and Minny (Octavia Spencer, who kind of steals the show in every single scene she is in. She is so dang funny), who after getting fired from the controlling queen bee (almost like Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls if she was a thirty-something racist in the 1960s) Hilly Holbrook (Bryce Dallas Howard), goes to work for the emotionally troubled (at the hands of many people, including Holbrook) but extremely friendly and un-racist Celia Foote (Jessica Chastain). Wow. That was a mouthful. And there are much more characters that are decently important to the film, just they don’t fit in to the already packed plotline of the film. And when you have a movie that is 2 hours and 26 minutes long that is jam-packed with plot, you’ve got a lot of plot in here. The film’s story is obviously on the front lines for this movie, the makers of the film want it to be a success, and that’s all a movie needs. This movie is extremely good. But I am going to get my grievances out of the way so I can talk about how great it is-the first hour of the film is extremely slow. It’s intentional, and it is done very well, but it was very slowly-paced. The first hour of the movie dragged on for just too long it seemed like. If a really good editor tightened this up, and made the first hour less than 30 minutes long, the movie would probably be perfect. But sadly, it’s not, and my only real complaint is that first hour-or-so. Now onto the good parts. This movie is extremely sad and also very funny. It is not Airplane! style filmmaking where the entire movie is jokes back-to-back. Although, I do have to give the movie credit for having the first funny poop joke since 2009’s Up. But what makes The Help great is that I can remember that joke clearly, along with moments where I was in tears. I was in tears watching this film. I wasn’t bawling like a baby, I was just tearing up. I haven’t had this great range of emotion since I saw Forrest Gump all those glorious years ago. This movie is amazing. Again, I haven’t read the book, but I do love this movie. Currently, this is my fourth favorite movie of 2011, behind Midnight In Paris, Super 8, and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Sorry Source Code. Just got bumped to 5th place. NOTE: I do know someone whose sister was a stand-in and extra in this movie. I cannot say for whom, as I cannot say in complete full confidence. Don’t let that seem like I’m even being kind of bias to this movie. It is brilliant. And you’ll want to strange Hilly Holbrook too.
9.5/10

Citizen Kane (1941)

I have had and am greatly thankful for having an extremely film-rich childhood. At an age so young I don’t even know the number, my friends from the neighborhood would come over and we’d watch 101 Dalmatians. I sat close to the screen, filled with awe. Around six or seven I watched the Star Wars original trilogy. My attention span a little smaller, but me still being entranced. At nine at sat in my bed, portable DVD player next to me, playing Forrest Gump. And now, at the age of thirteen, I am pleased to say that I have seen Citizen Kane. It seems that I have waited too long for this moment. This moment has finally come, and I love every second of it. After watching a movie as great as Citizen Kane, you have a moment. This moment is just a feeling of greatness. Well, at least, that was happens for me. And few films have done this. The Social Network, Forrest Gump, King Kong, Persepolis, and now, Citizen Kane. As you can probably tell, I really like this movie. Few movies have been universally acclaimed as one of the single greatest films of all time-The Godfather, Toy Story, Die Hard, Toy Story 2, Some Like it Hot, Toy Story 3, The Dark Knight, Ratatouille, The Silence of the Lambs, ect. The list goes on for a little bit longer. And while this list seems kind of long, especially if you see the full list on Wikipedia (I don’t do my research in a library…who do you think I am? I’m a young internet-loving hipster, where else?). But if you think about the list in comparison to all of the movies out there, there’s not a lot. And topping this rare list is none other than Citizen Kane. This movie is so universally acclaimed that it has lead the great Roger Ebert to proclaim: “So it’s settled-Citizen Kane is the official greatest film of all time.” And the film deserves it. This is possibly the best-made movie I have ever seen in my entire thirteen years of watching movies. This little slice of brilliance stars, is directed, and co-written by Orson Welles, as Charles Foster Kane, as we look back through his life as told by his many acquaintances, at the request of a reporter trying to find the meaning of the last word Kane said before he dies-Rosebud. Well, the cat’s probably out of the bag, and you most likely know what Rosebud means. I did. I’ve known for about six months. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t watch it. You definitely should. The movie is rated PG (for what I can only assume is for extremely mild sexual content/thematic elements), so get the whole family in on it. The movie is long, black-and-white, and is the greatest movie ever made. The movie was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture, but did not win. This and The Dark Knight are the two worst decisions the Academy has ever made. Because this is the greatest movie ever made. I don’t think this is my favorite movie-I almost feel like the movie doesn’t deserve to be on my list. It seems like it’s too good for my list. So when you ask me what my favorite movie is, I’ll still say Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. But if you ask me what the greatest movie ever made is, I will say with full confidence-Citizen Kane. And in my last moment, the last breath I take on this earth, you know what I’m gonna say? “Rosebud.” I love being a movie nerd.
10/10

Rio (2011)

As the animation food chain stands, I had 20th Century Fox Animation down low on the list, right above Sony Pictures Animation, which I hated. Then Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs came out. I love that movie to death. So then Fox was triumphed by Sony. Now, there are no movies by Fox Animation that I hate. But I never have really loved any of them. Ice Age was decent, Ice Age: The Meltdown was a bit better, and Robots was decently bad. Now, I never bothered to see Ica Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (which I have an ever-long beef with since whenever I would try to record George A. Romero’s classic Dawn of the Dead on TV, when I searched it on the DVR, that would always come up, and never Dawn of the Dead [well, sometimes maybe the Zack Snyder version, but if I cared about Zack Snyder movies, I would have given Sucker Punch a positive review], only Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs), but I have not heard the kindest things. And then there was Rio. Rio is a movie that actually makes me care about 20th Century Fox Animation. And movies rarely give me hope about companies that I had no hope for. The last time this happened was probably Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. And while Rio is definitely not as good as Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, it still is a very good film. The movie is extremely colorful, cheery, sweet, and fun. With an all-star voice cast including Jesse Eisenberg, Anne Hathaway, George Lopez, will.i.am, Jamie Foxx, Tracy Morgan, Leslie Mann, and more. Eisenberg voices a male blue macaw (appropriately named Blu), who is probably the single last male of his kind. So he is flown out to Rio De Janeiro, where he is set to breed with the only known female of the species, Jewel (voice of Anne Hathaway). To say the least, these two do not get along very well. Which does not bode well for them when they get kidnapped by criminals who are trying to sell them. So they attempt to escape, which would work fine, except for two reasons-1, Blu and Jewel are chained together, and-2, Blu can’t fly. What happens after is a slew of colors, music, humor, and story, all thrown together to make a definitely unique film. It’s obvious that this movie is marketed towards little children. The film was edited and re-rated to a G after getting a PG rating from the evil MPAA. So the studio knows that they want a movie young children are going to watch. And the film definitely knows it. The movie’s plot and story are probably the weakest link of the movie. The movie stretches it out extremely. Rio could have been an hour and ten minutes long, and been a much tighter and better film. But we couldn’t do that, because we need a lot of really hip dance music numbers, right? Wrong. The music in the film just kind of is there to keep the kids happy. It’s not that music wouldn’t be good in this film, Rio just screams music. It just needs to be good music (and a movie called Rio that doesn’t have a Duran Duran song in it gets a bad mark in my book), and it’s not here. But the visuals for the music is probably the best visuals for a movie I’ve seen in a while. It’s definitely the best animation I’ve seen since Rango, and that goes for the entire film. I watched the movie at home on Blu-ray, not in the theaters, so I can’t vouch for the 3-D, or the big screen feel. But watching it with perfect picture, the movie kind of blew me away. It was amazing. The movie is extremely fun, don’t get me wrong. There are a few jokes in here where I was laughing hard. And the film’s heart is in the right place, and when you get down to the bare minimum of it all, that’s all a movie really needs.
8/10

Country Strong (2011)

On the cover of the DVD for Country Strong, it has a quote, saying “You don’t have to be a country fan to love this movie.” I have not bothered to look up who wrote this quote, as I just flat-out do not agree with it. Personally, I am not a country music fan, despite the fact that I come from the land of Tennessee. So I am not a country fan. And I REALLY do not love this movie. In fact, at times, I don’t even like this movie. It’s just kind of dull. There are stretches filled with cheesy drama scenes that do not work at all. They are unconvincing, unmoving, and just plain terrible. There are a lot of reasons why Country Strong is a bad movie. Shall we delve into these reasons? We shall. For starters, the movie has Tim McGraw in it, and he can’t act to save his life. He just stands there, tries to look concerned, and sometimes says something unconvincingly. If it were up to me, I would just have written his character out of the film completely. I just hate this character, and I hate this actor. So now, I hate Tim McGraw. I don’t listen to country, so I can’t vouch for him as a musician, but if he’s good, he needs to stay there. Even if he’s bad, he just needs to stop being in movies, because he is terrible. But now moving on to people I do not hate, the star of the movie is Gwyneth Paltrow. She is not bad in this movie, not bad at all, but she’s not good either. She just seems average for this role. I do believe that she is a very good actress and a very good singer, it’s just that it seems like this was a contract film for her. I’m assuming that the deal was-“Okay, Gwyneth, we’ll let you do Glee, but then you have to do this country movie.” “Fine.” Now, that’s just my assumption. More than not, when I say something, it’s just my silly opinion. My silly little opinion. But, you’re reading this right now, so I assume that my silly little opinion matters to someone. So, thank you. Now let’s leave my sentimental thank-you and talk about this little slice of trash. The plotline for Country Strong concerns an alcoholic country music star Kelly Canter (Gwyneth Paltrow), who is on her recovery tour after her blood alcohol level on stage on night both ruined the show and made her have a miscarriage. So she goes to rehab, her helper (Garret Hedlund) also being a country singer, and having an affair with Kelly. So on Kelly’s comeback tour, her rehab helper and a young singer (Leighton Meester) both are the opening act. Now, Hedlund and Meester are, for me at least, the best actors in the film. They both know that their characters aren’t written very well, but they do their best anyway. Honestly, it took me a while to see that their characters are badly written, the performances were so good. But the characters are badly written. In fact, the entire script is the weak point of the movie. What happens isn’t believable. The characters just function as plot devices for the story. And that really isn’t too bad of a thing until the climax of the film. In a drama movie, the climax really has to be something astonishing. Here, it was definitely astonishing. But not in the good way. The ending made me mad. It was a depressing cop-out that made me want to burn the screenplay to this film. The characters are bad, the story is bad, the direction is bad, and the movie just feels cheesy. Tennessee does not seem to have a great name in cinema, especially in this last decade. Within ten years, we brought into significance Miley Cyrus, Megan Fox (who is hot but can’t act to save her life), and now Country Strong. But we also did give the world Quentin Tarantino, so that’s a plus.
3.5/10

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

In the summer of 2011, there have been four superhero movies released. These films have been Thor, X-Men: First Class, Green Lantern, and Captain America: The First Avenger. I like all of these films, even Green Lantern. I know a lot of people don’t, but I do. Out of these four, I think that X-Men: First Class stands as my favorite, with Captain America: The First Avenger close behind. And I consider that to be decent praise. The film, like all of the other movies mentioned, is based off of a long-running comic book series, also called Captain America. You can find issues of it in just about any comic book store ever. Now, I have read Captain America, but I do not read it regularly. So I cannot vouch for the faithfulness to the comic book beyond the basics. And from the little that I know, I would say that the movie is decently faithful. It follows young Brooklyn-risen 90-pound weakling Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), who wants nothing more than to be a part of the US army, fighting against the Nazis in WWII. After being rejected countless times, he finally achieves his dream by agreeing to be a part of a top-secret operation run by the Stark family. Steve is injected with the Super Soldier Serum, which enables him to do exactly what the name states-be a super soldier. Steve becomes the ultimate human being (to put this in simpler terms, think NZT from Limitless, only affecting physical awesomeness instead of mental awesomeness. And yes, I do know that awesomeness is not a word). Being a superhero, however, he has to have a supervillian, which we find in the form of the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving), a man with science gone wrong. And so now he has a red skull. And to say the least, it looks SO COOL! I know I’m being a geeky 13-year-old when I go off like this, but it looks amazing. I cannot wait to see Red Skull on perfect-picture Blu-ray in a few months. This movie is actually really cool. It’s slick, historic, and brave. And while the movie didn’t portray what is arguably the single greatest comic book cover of all time (where Cap uppercuts Hitler. So awesome), it still was very good. And that ending, oh that ending. I knew that it was coming, but it still blew me away. And it has Samuel L. Jackson (which this movie, along with Thor, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and Iron Man 2 all have, all being a part of this giant movie project that you may have heard of called The Avengers, coming in 2012), and when is that ever a bad thing? NOTE: If you ever go up to a fan of Conan O’Brien, especially in recent months, and go up to him/her and ask about this movie, more than likely the response you will get will be “Oh, it looks good!”. And yes, I fall into that category. CONAN RULES!
8.5/10

Quiz Show (1994)

This movie is really good. I like it a lot. Actually, it is extremely good, and I love it a lot. Quiz Show was released in 1994, and was directed by Robert Redford, a man who will have my ever-long respect as the creator of the Sundance Film Festival. It was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture for that year, but lost. And I would be sad about that, except that the movie that it lost to was Forrest Gump, a movie many believe are overrated (and they are wrong), but I find to be one of the greatest slices of cinema ever released. Also released that year were Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption, both of which who also lost to Forrest Gump. Now look me in the eye and tell me that 1994 wasn’t a good year (granted, I wasn’t alive in ’94, I’m just basing this off of the films I have seen from that year, which sadly, does not include Pulp Fiction). What’s so dang brilliant about Quiz Show is that it tells a story, tells it swiftly, and tells it effectively. Think The Social Network but about 50s game shows instead of Facebook. And I love The Social Network and this film for the same reasons. They’re both slick, informative, fun, extremely well-made, and just brilliant. But where as in The Social Network we have a young genius making a website, in Quiz Show we have the true story of a bunch of poor saps getting put into a fixed game show called Twenty-One. The contestants get the answers when they’re bringing in ratings, and forced to give the wrong ones when people find them unappealing. The film is simple enough, and goes from there. The movie is extremely well-acted, scripted brilliantly, and has beautiful direction by Redford. This movie is unnaturally well-made. I want to go and research this topic right now, maybe buy a book on the Twenty-One scandal. And for a boy who writes movie reviews on the free hours of the day, that’s saying something.
9/10

Knight and Day (2010)

I find this film to be extremely mediocre. It’s just a dumbed-down version of Mission: Impossible, really. Maybe with a little bit of Red Eye and Killers thrown in. But the film is much better than Killers. Granted, that’s not very difficult to accomplish, but it is better. The main problem with Knight and Day is that it is dull. In between action scenes, setup, or romance, there is just blandness. Nothing is happening, and the movie knows it. And what’s in between the blandness is sometimes bland in itself. When the movie sets up for something interesting, even though it has some information to keep the plot going, is usually bland. It was just boring. And said plot concerns a woman (the ever fading-from-significance Cameron Diaz) who ends up on a plane to go to her sister’s wedding, only to meet a secret agent (the ever target-of-parody Tom Cruise). Things happen, and they get locked up in a conspiracy with lost islands, random shoot-outs, and Paul Dano as a young scientist who invents a never-ending battery (which I need for my laptop which I’m writing this on right now. The battery on this thing is terrible). Does what I am saying sound like it makes sense? Not hugely. The movie does not make that much sense. The cast gives it their all (especially Paul Dano. He’s awesome everywhere he goes, and the same is said here), the director is trying so hard, but the film just lacks. The action scenes are kind of cool, especially the ones that take place on planes and trains, but they just seem uninspired. Being completely honest, the movie feels like everybody that was working on it was half-asleep. If Mission: Impossible II fell on its head as a baby, then it would turn out something like Knight and Day.
6.5/10

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

Yee-haw, cowboy. I have mixed feelings about this film. Still rounding out to be generally positive, but definitely mixed. The problem with Cowboys & Aliens is that it is not smart. And coming from a movie that touts ‘from the director of Iron Man’, one would expect it to be smart. Iron Man was a brilliant movie, my second favorite superhero movie of all time, behind The Dark Knight. This definitely feels more like a movie from the director of Iron Man 2 than the director of Iron Man. Both Iron Man 2 and Cowboys & Aliens are fun movies, even if they are stupid at times. Personally, I think that Cowboys & Aliens shows this better. For starters, I enjoyed Cowboys & Aliens more than I did Iron Man 2, and it was stupider. Here, we have The Man with No Name injected with a lethal dose of Independence Day. That’s how you can sum up this movie. Based off of the graphic novel of the same name, this movie follows a man (Daniel Craig), who has no idea who he is, but he is awesome. He takes down four men with only their weapons. He’s awesome. But he finds out that he is a wanted man, and is taken away. Then aliens come, and a strange alien contraption attached to his wrist (Omnitrix, anyone?) is the only thing that can defeat it. So they fight the aliens. An A-B-C plot for an A-B-C movie. And that’s not the bad thing. It’s just that it’s formulaic. The film is extremely formulaic. Everything is carefully analyzed and played out. The direction is played out. The screenplay is played out. The acting is generic, even from such a cast. The cast is Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde, Noah Ringer, Paul Dano, and more. What I have to say about the cast and characters that they play are that they are generic. But I do have to mention two things. One, Noah Ringer surprised me. The only movie other than this that I have seen that he has been in was The Last Airbender, which is one of the worst movies ever made. I thought he was a terrible actor. But…he’s not. He’s actually pretty good. It was just Shaymalamadingdong that made him look terrible. Here, he’s not bad. So good for him. And two, I have a major problem with Olivia Wilde’s character. In the middle of the film, there is a revelation that is completely insane. It is one of the stupidest moments in a film this year. And I have seen a good bit of stupid films this year. This moment is so out-of-place, so awful, so dumb that it actually knocked my grade down a bit. So as a note to the writer of the comic/screenwriter(s)-this movie might have a positive review right here, but it’s not because of you.
7.5/10

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

You know how I didn’t like Twilight? You know how, even though it wasn’t as bad as I thought, it was still terrible? Yeah. Twilight is Citizen Kane next to this. Here, we have a movie so utterly terrible that I just lose it. It’s boring, lazy, and it doesn’t make any sense. The movie MAKES NO SENSE! There is more than one point in this movie where I was yelling at the screen. I don’t usually yell at movies, it makes me look like a crazy person. There is a scene in the movie where Anna Kendrick is completely ragging on zombie films (which I love like there is no tomorrow). I was screaming at the television. I looked like a madman, but I didn’t care. I just wanted the movie to hear me. Wow. I sound like a crazy person right now. That’s not good. This movie makes people go crazy. It makes no sense. Well, I need to end my rant and start pouring some legitimate information about why this movie is terrible. For starters, it’s boring. This movie is filled with long shots of moping teenagers just staring. They’re sad, we get it. Can we actually have something decent here? Nope. The movie’s plot concerns Edward (Robert Pattinson), a vampire, who is in a romance with Bella (Kristen Stewart), a human. Edward leaves Bella so she can be safe, and then she falls for Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who happens to be a WEREWOLF. Talk about bad luck. But either way, somehow she still is being tracked by vampires, and then they want to kill her, and somehow Romeo and Juliet gets involved with it. It makes me sad that anything by William Shakespeare is used on trash like this. This movie is trash. The acting is awful, the screenplay is atrocious, and the direction is even worse than the first. Just about everything in this film is terrible. This movie is terrible.
1.5/10

Daddy Day Camp (2008)

WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? OH GOD WHY? This movie is so awful. It makes me want to go to a summer camp and go all Jason Voorhees on the kids and counselors. They were just annoying. I don’t care if some of these kids are six years old. If you want to make a movie, you get good actors, six or not. Watch Poltergeist for example. Heather O’Rourke was six when that film was released, and she was phenomenal. But here? I wanted to hit every single child there. I wanted every single poor sap that worked on this movie to feel pain. I wanted the kids, the adults, the screenwriter, the director, the producers, even the one critic on Rotten Tomatoes that gave the movie a good review. I want them all to suffer for what they have done. Yes, this movie is that bad. And you know that a movie is downright terrible when Eddie Murphy and Jeff Garlin pass on making it. And they saw the script, called up Cuba Gooding Jr. and were on their way. Now let me ask you this-since 2007, how much have you heard of Cuba? Exactly. From the release of Daddy Day Camp till August 6, 2011, Cuba has been in three movies that haven’t been direct-to-DVD or a TV film. This movie is that bad. The film is a sequel to Daddy Day Care, where the main character (Cuba) does something stupid and buys a camp that he went to as a kid. But the camp is in bad shape, and they fix it up, but them and the kids have to save the camp, all with wacky antics all the way. These wacky antics include setting a bathroom on fire, crashing a bus, and multiple fart jokes. It’s just so funny, isn’t it? No, it’s not. It’s terrible. This movie isn’t funny, it’s not interesting, it’s not bad. It’s just terrible. I hate this movie. Do not watch.
1/10

Twilight (2008)

Well, I did it. I’m stupid for doing it, I know. I regret it now, but I’ve already done it, so let’s just get on with life. I sat down and watched Twilight. I know that it was a bad decision, but I did it. I did it for you, the readers. Because I’ve heard so much bull by my Twilight-loving friends, that I rag on it without seeing it. Well, are you happy now? I saw Twilight, you vampire-obsessed blood-suckers (pun intended). I saw it. I can now give my honest, complete opinion. And I would only review films honestly. Check my other reviews for example. So here is the complete review of Twilight-it’s pretty bad. Not as bad as I thought it would be, mind you, but terrible. Well, I shouldn’t say that. It’s not terrible. It’s just by no means good. If you’ve spent more than five minutes in a public building for the past couple of years, more than likely you’ve heard of Twilight, be it from one of the haters (like me), or one of the wrong ones (complete prejudice on my part). Well, it’s been 191 words; I should start talking about my issues with this movie in detail. For starters, the movie is extremely uneven. For the first hour of the movie, it’s a bad teen romance movie, one that would make Nicolas Sparks cringe in pain. Then for thirty minutes it gets better. It becomes a decently slick supernatural John Hughes knock-off (I’m talking Weird Science more, not so much The Breakfast Club. I still like Weird Science, but it’s far from perfect). Not great, but extremely watchable. Then, for fifteen minutes it suddenly jumps into action-horror mode out of nowhere. This transition is terrible, but the fight was kind of cool. Whenever you do a fight scene in a place where there are a lot of mirrors, I’m sold. And then for about five-to-ten minutes it becomes the terrible teen romance again. And then there are the credits. The oh-so magical credits, how I love them so. But the film is extremely uneven. It feels like three different movies, splashed together. A bad one, a decent one, and a cool one. And the better the part of the movie is, the shorter it is. The best part of the film is the action scene in the end. It is not perfect by any sense of the word, but it was kind of cool. And as I said, I’m a sucker for the mirrors. The next best part is the thirty minutes after the big vampire reveal comes (and I’ll get to that later). It’s still slow, but it’s extremely passable. And for the part that isn’t, we have the first hour of the movie. It is slow, dragged out, and poorly made. The direction is awful (Catherine Hardwick is my third-least favorite director, behind the Friedberg/Seltzer team and Stewart Rafill), so bad that life seems to go in slow-motion. Everything was just dragged out, made just so much more painful. It’s like if for an hour Zack Snyder directed my life. The writing for the film is unnaturally bad. I have met people this age. I know people this age very closely, ones who have been in odd relationships. AND THEY DO NOT TALK LIKE THIS! People do not talk like this. This is not how human (or vampire) teenagers have conversations. This dialogue is so bad, no actor can redeem it. I know that Kristen Stewart can’t act at all (there is an awesome photo on the internet comparing the emotions of Emma Watson and Kristen Stewart, please go Google it), but she’s not this bad. And Robert Pattinson is actually good. If you watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, you’d know that he’s not a bad actor. Most of the people here are good actors. Anna Kendrick is in here for a little bit. She is downright amazing in movies like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. She is completely amazing. But here, I was ready to hand her a Razzie. That’s how bad the dialogue here is. It is really bad. Okay. I’ve calmed down, and I should talk about the plot of this movie actually. The plot is extremely simple; I can sum it up like this-‘Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Boy is vampire.’ Simple as that. Nothing more to it, on the bare core of it. That’s all you need to know. More things will come along, more things will go. I don’t care. The film is just stupid. It is Lifetime-quality filmmaking. And that is not a complement. And just so I can finish my Twilight rant on an extremely important note, I have to say this-FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!
4/10

500 Days of Summer (2009)

This is not a love story. This is also not a comedy. This is also a really good movie. You want me to be honest? I love this movie indefinitely. Watching it right after watching the phenomenal Midnight In Paris is probably a very good thing, because I was already in the mood for a sweet romantic comedy-drama, as this movie is. What makes 500 Days of Summer so great is that it’s not a sweet romantic comedy that has the formula as the backbone. What makes this (and some other amazing [but few] films like this) so great is that it’s not a Hollywood romance. It’s real. This film boasts one of the most brilliant screenplays I have ever seen. It’s completely real (the film even begins with an extremely hilarious joke involving a disclaimer from the writer). We don’t remember love as a straight line. I sure don’t. I may not even be old enough to drive a car, but I have had my share of young (but always failed) love. And yes, I have constantly failed. But that’s beside the point. Or is it? Maybe that’s why I see Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) as an older version of myself a little bit. He doesn’t know love. He just lives life. He wishes he knew love. And then day (1) came. That’s when he met Summer (Zooey Deschanel), who Tom immediately saw as The One (this movie has one of the best taglines ever-“Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Girl doesn’t.”). Tom does his best to be with Summer, and when he gets things right, things go wrong. Remember, this is all told in a complete non-linear way. The film begins with Tom’s sister (played by Chloë Grace Moretz) giving him a shot of vodka and having him tell the story. That was day (290). The narrative jumps from place to place in the 500 days of the relationship between Tom and Summer. The movie really is what would happen if Quentin Tarantino made a romance film. But it’s sweet, and not bloody. If Joseph Gordon-Levitt had cut Deschanel’s scalp off or said a few more expletives, then it would be the Tarantino romance. But it’s not. It’s sweet, honest, cute, hilarious, and heartbreaking. The film is a bit uneven at times, but if you think about it, how many films aren’t? Not a lot. The movie is directed very well by Marc Webb, who is directing The Amazing Spider-Man in 2012. The film’s acting is probably one of its strongest suits along with the screenplay. Gordon-Levitt is brilliant as always, he brings such a life to Tom that could have been lifeless. His leading lady Zooey is also extremely good, maintaining such a humanity while Tom tries to convince us that she’s evil. Playing Tom’s best friend is Geoffrey Arend, who was a main character in Devil, but I haven’t seen him in anything else. He’ll probably continue to play those small roles in those small films, be the “Oh, I know that guy. He was in…um…” guy. And that’s not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. He is very good in this film, he’s just overshadowed by some of the other characters. This rule works for a lot of the characters, including the brilliant Chloë Grace Moretz. For an actress who is only a year older than myself, I can say that she holds a kind of wisdom that matches Gordon-Levitt’s. If you’ve had enough conversations with me about movies, you’ve heard me lump praise on this girl over and over again. She is magnificent, adding to the extremely small list of child actors and actresses that are actually talented. This entire cast is so talented. This entire film is just flowing with genius. It baffles me that this movie wasn’t nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture. Avatar was, but this wasn’t? At least an acting nod or Best Original Screenplay, or one of the many things it deserved. It just makes me sad. This movie deserved it all the way. [NOTE: The film’s poster and DVD say the film is (500) Days of Summer. I just keep parenthesis for the year released in the titles for these reviews]
9/10

Midnight In Paris (2011)

Wow. I really love this movie. This movie is absolutely beautiful. It is downright the single best movie of the year (so far). Currently, I cannot fathom how amazing this movie was. Writing this review, it’s been about an hour since the film ended, and I still am at a loss for words. The bad part is that it took me two months to finally go see Midnight In Paris, and now that I have, I can honestly say that I would have rather seen this than Green Lantern, Thor, X-Men, Limitless, Source Code, even Super 8 or Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Yes, this movie is that good. When it came out, people were throwing around the term “Best movie of the year”. And right they are. This movie is almost a perfect film. It is just brilliant. This movie is just…great. It adds another member to the list of amazing comedy-drama films that come along way too scarcely. I just love this movie. If you read my other two reviews of Woody Allen films, I said that I started watching his films when this one came out to such glowing reviews. Like this one. Granted, I have not seen a lot of Woody Allen films, but out of the ones that I have (where they were all good films), this one is the best. The film is written and directed by the great Woody Allen, and has that sense of simplistic childlike sophistication that makes films like Juno and About a Boy as great as they are. The film follows Gil Pender (Owen Wilson), a Hollywood screenwriter who goes to Paris with his fiancée Inez (Rachel McAdams), who is decently controlling. Gil is trying to finally write a novel, but currently has no success in this endeavor. So escaping Inez’s über-social friends and her not-so-approving parents, Gil begins to take midnight strolls in the City of Love, only to have marvelous adventures, which I am not going to get into solely because I want a complete spoiler-free review here. But, some of the people he meets are played by Allison Pill (from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, BOO-YAH!), Michael Sheen, Kathy Bates, Marion Cotillard, Tom Hiddleston, Adrian Brody, ect. Even with some more complicated science and history in bits of this film, this is a beautifully simplistic film. The first two minutes are just shots of Paris set to music. And you are entranced the entire time. Almost always, when I get to see a movie in theaters, I will get concessions. Not here. Earlier today, I had seen Cowboys & Aliens, and so that gave me my sugar fix. I didn’t care. There were periods of about twenty minutes at a time where I would just be fixated on watching the screen. I can’t even verify if I blinked. The movie became real, and the characters were right next to me. That’s how you put a viewer inside of a movie. Not with post-production 3-D, not with stupid gimmicks (Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World is coming out in a few weeks, and is bringing back Smell-O-Vision. Yay), just good honest storytelling. And this is good storytelling at its finest. Just…go see this movie. It’s brilliant. And if it doesn’t get nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture, I’m gonna strangle someone.
9.5/10

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2011)

Um…I don’t know how to say this, but…I like this movie. I actually had fun watching it. I thought that it was actually a really fun movie. Granted, this movie is stupid. It’s probably the dumbest movie I’ve seen since Sucker Punch (which was kind of recent, but that movie was REALLY dumb), but it was still fun. But the difference between Dylan Dog: Dead of Night and Sucker Punch was that Sucker Punch was a terrible movie while Dylan Dog: Dead of Night was not. I mean, I do my best to be honest with my readers, and in being honest, I must say-I’m kind of embarrassed to say I like this film. I usually don’t have feelings like this when I’m watching a movie, it’s just that this is a movie that has a three percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Why? Why does this movie have a three while a movie like Rango has an eighty-eight (I’m sorry, I promised myself I’d stop ranting/arguing with people about Rango)! But the thing is, this movie, in its basic core, is not that bad. It’s actually just a flat-out fun film. Again, it’s as stupid as they get, but it’s still fun. The film follows private investigator Dylan Dog (played by Brandon Routh, who is Superman, then Todd Ingram from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, then Dylan Dog. This man just goes down the comic book food chain. Eventually, he’ll be playing Reginald Hargreeves from The Umbrella Academy) who has had a messy past also working for the paranormal creatures, such as vampires, zombies, and werewolves. But something happened, and he’s just living his monotonous life, solving extremely simple cases with his assistant Marcus (played by the awesome Sam Huntington, who was in Fanboys and is on Being Human on Syfy). But he gets reeled back in with a murder case, and things just get messier from there. I really don’t need to explain anymore. Because the movie is so thin, and so dang ridiculous. This is the movie that I would watch with my friends on a Friday night. I almost want to buy the movie on DVD just for that reason. This movie is campy. This movie is stupid. This movie is perfect for just a bunch of friends hanging around. It’s not brilliant, it’s just fun.
7.5/10

The Rite (2011)

The wrong. Now when you begin a review with a play on words like that, one would suspect that the reviewer (me) hated the film. I didn’t. It’s just that the opportunity was there, and I took it. Sue me. But the film isn’t terrible. It’s not great. At times, it’s not even good. But I have seen worse. Either way, I’m going to go ahead and talk about the movie now. The film chronicles a skeptic/aspiring priest (what a nice combo that is) named Michael Kovak (Colin O’Donoghue) who is sent to Rome to study the rite of exorcism, and then meets Father Lucas (Anthony Hopkins) , one of the greatest exorcists of all time. They have to exorcise a pregnant sixteen-year-old, and then things happen that I don’t want to talk about in a spoiler-free review. But after things happen, Lucas begins to lose his fight against the demons he’s fought all his life. DA DAH DUN! And despite (what I would say) a pretty interesting plot, the film does get REALLY boring. The exorcism scenes are a lot of fun, are frightening and exciting, and are played out really well. But the rest of the film is extremely slow. This is some of the worst dialogue I have ever seen. It feels like there were two films here, that they were just slapped together. And that, my friends, is not a good thing. But even though the film is extremely slow, Anthony Hopkins is still great. The man is one of the best actors of all time, and even in a bad film like this, he shines. Although you can’t help but see a twinkle in his eyes, saying-“I really wish I was in another The Silence of the Lambs spinoff.” As for the other actor, Colin, he was terrible. He is downright awful in this movie. I hope this kid never gets work again. And that is strong hate right there. He was the worst thing about this movie. And that’s saying something. Really, the problem with The Rite is that it’s just…bad. Not stupid, offensive, mean-spirited, or crazy, just a good old-fashioned bad movie.
4.5/10