Catwoman (2004)

Why does this movie exist? It is easily one of the worst films I have ever seen in my entire life, ever. The entire film is just so mind-numbingly idiotic that my brain hurts when I think about it. I hate it so unbearably much. The film is not a superhero movie based on the DC comics character Catwoman. It is an awful superhero movie where they put the DC and Catwoman names on there to make money. And you know what’s the worst part about all of this? This movie made money. This movie made a good amount of money. This is why I don’t trust the American public when it comes to movies. This is why when I get into arguments with my friends about this stuff, and I don’t back down. Why is Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World making $45 million while Catwoman makes $82 million? This all just baffles me, and it makes me sad. The people would rather go see a Michael Bay film than see a Woody Allen movie. That is what makes me sad. Either way, I might as well end this rant and start talking about the movie. The film stars Halle Barry as Patience Phillips (who is not in the comics), a girl who dies but is brought back to life by…magical cats? And then…she has cat-like superpowers. And she goes against the biggest threat she can find, which apparently is a cosmetic that kills people. And that’s basically it. The film isn’t Catwoman. I don’t even read Batman comics (the character of Catwoman had originated from the Batman comics. Granted, Batman isn’t even mentioned once in the film), and I can tell that. But it’s not just the plot that’s stupid. A brilliant writer can take even the most preposterous of ideas and make them sophisticated and witty (heck, even I admit that Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World sounds kind of stupid at a core basis, but that film is brilliant). Not here. Here, all we get is clichéd dialogue, awful character development, and events that make no sense, even in this ridiculous universe the filmmakers have created. But even the worst of scripts can be made somewhat-redeemed by the direction, score, cinematography, actors, ect. Either way, that doesn’t happen here. The writing is awful, but the other aspects are arguably worse. The direction, effects, and cinematography go hand-in-hand in movies, and so all of them are terrible at once. The film has the ability to use practical effects for someone jumping twenty feet, I’ve seen it before. But here, they use CG that looks like something out of Shrek 2. And no, even though Shrek 2 has some pretty good animation, it’s still animation, so I was not complimenting the film. Actually, the only compliment that I can think of for the film is that it’s less than 2 hours long, so when twenty minutes feels like an hour has passed, I don’t have to sit here for any longer than I have to. So other than that, never assume that I am complimenting this film. The cinematography of the film is also very terrible, shaky, scary, and just bad. And the direction is also terrible. I blame the director for most of this film, because he has the power to stop all of this terrible. He just chooses not to. And the acting? The director is bad, but even if the actors are directed terribly, they can still pull through decently. Not here. Not even Halle Barry, who is a very good actress. She has won an Oscar, and she has pulled off a superhero film before. She was Storm in the X-Men trilogy, and she was great there. But here, she was just bad. This entire movie is just terrible. I hate it so unbearably much. I am honestly considering giving this film a perfect 0, but I’m going to be nice. Oh, and one more thing. Don’t even get me started on the costume.
0.5/10